How to Tell If You Are Going Bald

Going bald is bad enough, but even worse are those pitiable gentlemen among us who are going bald but like to pretend that they are not. These are the fellows with the comb-over hairstyle; a monstrosity of grooming where hair from one side of the head is dragged across the skull, in a pathetic attempt to camouflage an ever-growing expanse of scalp. These poor men live every day of their lives in a state of denial, earning the jeers and laughter that comes their way. In order to prevent one's self from becoming a laughingstock, a man must learn to identify the early warning signs of impending baldness. Here is how to tell if you are going bald.

1. When you walk outside on a sunny day, you find that people have to shield their eyes around you in order to avoid the glare from your scalp.

2. You suddenly realize that a bottle of shampoo lasts much, much longer than it used to.

3. Your favorite hat doesn't quite fit the way that it used to.

4. When you look into the drain after the shower, you think that you are looking at a drowned rat.

5. Your forehead seems to be growing in height every year.

6. When you drive in a convertible with the wind blowing through your hair, you feel a little chillier than you used to.

7. When you are around friends, they have a sudden urge to bowl.

8. When you are around friends, they have a sudden urge for watermelon.

9. When you are around friends, they have a sudden urge for hard-boiled eggs.

10. When you raise your head after falling asleep on a leather couch, you hear a sound like someone peeling the backing off of a Fruit Roll-Up.

If you happen to recognize any of the above signs, then it just may be time to admit that you are losing your hair. But fear not, my balding friend. The best thing a man in your situation can do is to accept Mother Nature's kick-in-the-pants with grace and dignity, instead of trying to convince the world that you are as hairy as you were back in high school. After all, lots of women find bald to be sexy. Of course, I can't seem to think of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure they must exist. But then again, they are doing some amazing things with toupees and hair transplant surgery these days.