How to Tell If the Hitchhiker You Just Picked Up Wishes to Kill You

If you're like me, you never pass an opportunity to pick up some lonewolf drifter by the side of the road. I could go on with countless anecdotes wrought from these transient encounters. And I'm sure you could, too.

But if you've never picked up a hitchhiker and you would like to, here are a few tips you should consider before inviting a stranger to ride shotgun.

Speaking of shotguns, Tip Number One:

Check for weapons.

A cursory glance won't always reveal whether a potential travel companion is armed. Granted, sometimes you'll find a hitcher standing by the road, one thumb in the air while the other helps grip a hunting knife or a .12 gauge or a blood-dripping axe. These types of travelers are best avoided. Offering one a ride could delay arrival to your own destination by hours.

But what if a hitchhiker's weapon is not splayed out in plain sight? What if he's potentially carrying something concealed? What do you do then?

First, slow your vehicle so that you can take in the whole display. What is the hitchhiker wearing? A shirt and tie? An army surplus jacket? Chain-mail?

Believe it or not, there's a lot you can tell about your potential travel companion simply by what he is wearing. A black trench coat, for example, ought to give off red flags, especially if the hitchhiker is standing next to an unshaded patch of highway in a midday, 90-degree heat. Hockey masks, capri pants and scuba gear are also suspect. (See list below.)

As you pull next to the "unarmed" hitchhiker, look for bulges in his clothing. If you spot some sort of protrusion, consider its general shape and size. Gun-shaped, machete-shaped and chainsaw-shaped bulges should trigger warning signals. Box-shaped bulges, on the other hand, probably indicate innocuous travel items such as an i-pod or luggage.

Tip Number Two:

Assess the hitcher's overall ensemble.

While bulges will give you a general indicator of hidden dangers, just as important is your drifter's overall presentation. A quick once-over is often all you will need to determine a "yay" or "nay".

Here is a brief list of the sorts of items to look for followed by a "danger rating". I recommend clipping this list and taping it to your dashboard.

Animal Skins -- Potentially unsafe.
Army Surplus Jacket -- Should be safe unless visibly blood-stained.
Bare-chested -- Use caution.
Blouse -- Female, safe. Male, unsafe.
Capris -- Same as blouse.
Cardigan -- Safe.
Clown Wig -- Possibly unsafe.
Dracula Cape -- Unsafe.
Flannel Shirt -- Potentially unsafe.
Halloween Mask -- Unsafe.
Heavy Metal/Death Metal T-Shirt -- Depends on band. "Winger", probably safe. "Iron Maiden", could go either way. "Cannibal Corpse", keep driving.
Hockey Mask -- Use extreme caution.
Hospital Gown -- Use mild caution.
Mirrored Sunglasses -- Potentially unsafe.
Platform Shoes -- Safe
Prison Jumper -- Unsafe
Riding Pants -- Safe
Scuba Gear -- Potentially unsafe.
Saran Wrap -- Use mild caution.
Ski Mask -- Near a ski resort -- safe. Everywhere else -- use extreme caution.
Smoking Jacket -- Safe.
Trench coat -- Depends on style and weather.
Tuxedo -- Safe.
Underwear -- Unsafe.

Tip Number Three:

Check for personality disorders.

Behavioral observation is the single best tactic for determining whether or not to take in a hitchhiker. As you pull to the roadside, keep a constant eye on your would-be companion. How does he react to your stop? Does he jog over to you, waving and grinning like a fool? Or does he stay motionless and wait for you to pull up next to him?

An eager and mobile hitchhiker is a good sign. Usually this means you have met some poor schmuck who honestly just needs a ride. It's not a foolproof indication of a drifter's intentions. (Ted Bundy, for example, was keen on imitating poor schmucks in need.) But most psychopaths eschew normal behavior altogether. So award your potential travel companion bonus points for appreciative gestures.

A stationary hitchhiker, by contrast, is a contemplative one. And just what he's contemplating is paramount among things you need to know. He may be wondering if your ride looks comfortable enough. Or if you, the good Samaratin, seem at all obnoxious or otherwise unappealing in any way. Or he may be estimating how satisfactory a notch you'd make on his kill tally.

Whatever the case, you only have a few seconds to read his expression. So don't waste them.

The following is a list of nonverbal clues to watch for and a "danger rating".

Black, cold eyes -- Unsafe
Drooling with anticipation -- Potentially unsafe.
Evil grin -- Unsafe.
Growling -- Unsafe.
Gum chewing -- Safe.
Knuckle cracking -- Probably safe.
Lazy eye -- Safe.
Mumbling -- Use mild caution.
Nervous tick -- Potentially unsafe.
Nose picking -- Probably safe, but don't shake hands.
Shifty eyes -- Potentially unsafe.
Snake-like tongue flittering -- Unsafe.
Sneering -- Unsafe.
Stink eye -- Use mild caution. (Might just be how his face is.)
Thousand-yard stare -- Unsafe.
Uncontrolled bursts of laughter (or cackling) -- Use extreme caution.
Widdling -- Potentially unsafe.

So let's say you've made the decision to let a hitchhiker ride with you. Once he's in the car and you're on your way, you should continue to size up your impromptu travel companion.

Does he make direct eye contact? Is he chatty? How does he smell?

Eye aversion, silence and bad hygiene are not in and of themselves danger signs, but rather parts of a collective impression. However, these are the most immediately noticeable aspects of the kind of behavior to look for. A large number of negative traits means you should consider an early drop-off.

Another aspect to consider is how the hitchhiker positions himself in his seat. Does he sit close to the door, in the middle of the seat, or close to you? Middle of the seat is the optimal position as it shows he is comfortable with the ride and is preparing himself for a lengthy drive. The other two positions are troublesome.

Also, take notice of what direction the hitchhiker positions his head. If forward, that's normal. If out the passenger window, he may either be shy, sad, interested in the scenery or hatching a murder plan. If his head is pointed directly at you, but you're not saying anything, it's the same as staring out the passenger window. Except that he's not shy nor sad nor interested in scenery.

Does the hitchhiker fidget? Make loud noises? Or grab at the steering wheel? All three are alarming behaviors and you should ask him to stop immediately.

Now, what if you've been driving for an hour or two when the hitchhiker suddenly becomes pale or greenish and appears as though he might throw up?

Well, it could be that the hitchhiker fears he has lost an opportunity to murder you. For psychopaths, the urge to kill is an extremely visceral thing. They want to feel your trachea crush under the weight of vice grip-like fingers. They pine for the sickly gurgle that follows a knife stab to the stomach. They long for the warmth of a blood bath and the satisfaction of watching a life-filled eye glaze over with the tell-tale opaque sheen of death.

So if the hitcher feels the moment to kill has slipped by, he might start to gag a little and clutch his stomach. He may roll down the window as though he were carsick, sucking up fresh air in an attempt to let the kill impulse subside.

Or he may have eaten a bad burrito.

It takes a keen eye to tell the difference between a hitchhiker's internal homicidal struggle and indigestion. If your detection skills remain unhoned in this area you should immediately move on to...

Tip Number Four:

Get chatty with your wayfarer. Pick his brain. Figure out what makes him tick.

You can start with something like,"So where you headed?"
Maybe he says, "Loredo".
Then you say, "Goin' to visit kin down that way?"
He says, "Grrmph."
You say, "Pardon me?"
He says, "Fragemth".
You say, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be irritating -- "
And he says, "Fuck off you dick-licker."

This probably seems to you like a conversation gone sour. But it's not. While perhaps not the most polite discourse, the hitchhiker has brought his emotions to the surface. You at least know where he stands. He wants to go to Loredo and please don't bother him about it.

Much more sinister is the following conversation:

"Where you headed?"
"Colorado Springs."
"Oh yeah? What for?"
"Family reunion. I haven't seen some of my cousins in forever."
"Oh, that's nice! I love family reunions!"
"Eh, I find them pretty awkward myself, but hey, at least there's free food."
"Tell me about it, I've got an aunt from Cleveland who still talks to me like I'm six."
"Same here, except mine lives in Orlando."

Chilling isn't it?

Notice how the drifter's internal demons spew forth in haunting diatribes of craven bloodlust. For those of you who missed it, I'll reprint the conversation with the subtext added in parenthesis.

"Where you headed?"
"Colorado Springs." (The seventh circle of Hell, circle of demons.)
"Oh yeah? What for?"
"Family reunion. I haven't seen some of my cousins in forever." (Family reunion. Can't wait to kill them all.)
"Oh, that's nice! I love family reunions!"
"Eh, I find them pretty awkward myself, but hey, at least there's free food." (I find reunions awkward, but at least there's free food.)
"Tell me about it, I've got an aunt from Cleveland who still talks to me like I'm six."
"Same here, except mine lives in Orlando." (I used to have an aunt who did that. Until I cut off her head and used her eye sockets for candle-holders. She was living in Orlando at the time.)

Imagine finding yourself in this situation for real. What should you do?

My suggestion is to keep a crowbar behind the driver's seat. When trapped in the horror of a conversation like the one above, quickly steer your car into a solid roadside object such as a lamp post or a building or a tree. Be prepared for the disorienting strike of the airbag. You may suffer cuts and bruises to your face but don't worry, so will the hitchhiker.

If done right, the collision will catch your passenger completely off-guard taking him a minute or two to regather his wits. That's enough time for you to slip out of your door, grab the crowbar from the back and wait for the hitchhiker to stagger out of the passenger door whereby you club him.

Feel free to add or subtract your own elements to this strategy but, all in all, it's a pretty reliable template for dealing with an imminent psycho attack.

Good luck and stay safe.

More "how to" guides written by Mark Albracht.

How to tell if you've been attacked by bigfoot

How to cheat at Candy Land

How to start a spontaneous human combustion support group.

How to tell if you're husband/boyfriend is cheating -- rub vinegar under his ballsack!