How to Tell If Someone is Crazy

The world (and by world, I mean the U.S.) is full of crazy people. But how do you spot and avoid the crazy people? I don't mean people who are suffering from a mental illness or dementia, but people who are just freaking crazy. It is a subtle art to pick out the crazy people from any crowd, but here are a few pointers:

You know that lady who always wants breakfast when they are serving lunch? She's crazy. She knows that they don't serve lunch after 10:30, and yet she is always mad when they tell her that it is 4 p.m., there is no breakfast now. She is probably there every day, asking for the same thing every time, and going slightly more insane each day.

Have you seen that guy who is at the bank, trying to cash a check for someone else and has no ID, and is getting mad because they won't do it? He's crazy. You can't do that and he knows it. He thinks that if he gets really loud they will throw money at him to get him to leave. They won't.

There's a guy who lives right off the highway, and he gets his mail right there and then stands one foot from the 80 mph traffic and reads every piece of it. Do you know why he does that? He's crazy. Just stay away- he's crazy.

There's a guy at the music store who tries to sell a giant cello to everyone who comes in. He thinks you need a cello. No one needs a cello. No one. Anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy.

That receptionist, the one who calls and says that you owe them money for missing your doctor's appointment? If you tell her that you missed it because you were sick, she won't believe you. That's why she's crazy.

When you run across a person with giant lips that are obviously not the lips they were born with, turn quietly and flee. This person was sitting around one day and decided that she would be happier if her lips were bigger. She then paid someone to inject stuff into her lips with big needles, and now thinks she looks great. She looks crazy. Do you know why? Because she is.

Some guy is always asking how people are. How is your mother? How is your cousin? Have you seen Bob? How is he? How the hell should I know- if you want to know how people are, ask them yourself. Anyone that interested in everybody's well being, but too cowardly to ask them himself, is crazy.

Anyone who tells you that you need a manicure is crazy. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is, it doesn't matter who they are- they are crazy. If you have nail clippers and an emory board, you do not need to drive across town and pay someone twenty dollars to use them for you. Sorry.

Anyone who tells you to "check out my blog" has serious issues that they need to resolve. In their own time. I do not need to read about how they got out of bed, took a shower, then a nap, then went to Home Depot. That is for their therapist to hear about. Because they are crazy.

I hope these tips will come in handy the next time you decide to leave your house, because a day without crazy people is like a day you don't have to hear people talking about their cell phones.