How to Tell If it is True Love or Infatuation

The first date, the first kiss, the first time you said "I love you". They are all momentous occasions in a relationship. You can probably recall where you were and what you were doing at the time. But is it safe to say that each time we fall in love, we actually love the other person? Is it more a surface attraction or is there enough for it to lead into a serious relationship? Is "love at first sight" real?

Love at first sight. Is this real?

When a couple fall in love, what they tend to experience is an instant physical attraction. A man may notice a woman's figure, her eyes and her smile. Women tend to also feel physically attracted to a man in the same way. They notice his positive attributes. But in this early stage, we only really focus on the good qualities. We have not gone much deeper and noticed the other person's personality. After just a few days or hours in the other person's company we have seen what they wanted us to see. It is only natural to want to show off our best side and this is particularly true when we are trying to impress someone. It is not possible to quickly discern a person's thoughts, hopes, dreams, ambitions and habits in such a short space of time. In the early stages, a couple may also spend a great deal of time together and not want to spend time with their friends. They become absorbed in their new relationship. This stage does not usually last. As you get to know a person more, the physical attraction that drew you to the person may reveal qualities that are not in the least bit attractive, such as a bad temper, an inability to admit to faults and feelings of jealousy. Couples often deceive themselves into thinking that what drew them together will keep them together. But this usually only reveals that the feelings are not love at all, but infatuation, which is really counterfeit love.

The role of physical attraction

When a couple begin to notice significant flaws in one another, it is important to address them early on before feelings deepen. They need to ask themselves whether they are willing to put up with this person's qualities just because they feel attracted to them. Some couples mistakenly believe that they can "change" a person and transform them into a better, more likable person. The heart is not the best judge in this matter. It can easily deceive us into continuing a relationship that will not go anywhere. The notion of "love at first sight" is not really an accurate description of true love. It describes physical attraction and how a couple are initially drawn together. That's not to say that physical attraction cannot blossom into true, deep and meaningful love, because it can. The difference is though, that true love takes time to develop. Whereas infatuation develops very quickly love is like a good wine; it takes time to mature.

Selfish regard or selfless concern?

Now we will take a comparative look at love versus infatuation and draw out the differences between the two. When we are infatuated with someone, we tend to have a selfish view of the other. It is easy to look at them and think "What can I get out of them? How can they make me happy?" The emphasis here is on " I ", with plenty of "me-isms". A couple who are infatuated with one another often use each other to get what they want from life. On the other hand, a couple who are truly in love will not put themselves first. They will care for the other person in an unselfish manner and take an interest in the personal concerns of the other person, without expecting something back in return.

Where is the emphasis placed? Looks or a slowly formed relationship?

A couple who are infatuated, rather than truly in love, will likely get together within a very short space of time. It may just take hours or days after meeting the other person that the relationship begins. The emphasis is on physical looks and sexual gratification. However, a couple who are in love may take longer to form a relationship. Rather than quickly getting together, they may take months or even years to get to know one another. Many such couples start out as platonic friends and develop their friendship before they even consider the notion of romance. This can provide a more solid foundation for success. You have had the chance to know your partner as a friend first of all. You saw their flaws, strengths and weaknesses and you still care for them. This is less likely to be an illusory feeling of love, as you have gotten to know what the other person is like in a variety of settings.

Blinded to other's faults

A couple who are infatuated cannot see any faults in one another. It is as though they are blinded by the "perfection" of their partner. Everything they do and say seems flawless and there is nothing you would want to change about them. True love looks beyond that and sees the other person realistically, noticing their faults, but loving them anyway. There is a big difference here. This can lead a couple onto rocky ground later on if they ar not careful.

Getting from the other person or sharing?

Infatuated couples tend to focus more on taking or getting, and this ties in closely with the "me" mentality that was mentioned previously. They may therefore begin a sexual relationship very quickly so that they can satisfy their sexual urges. Love involves giving and sharing with one another and sex takes on a whole new meaning when we talk about married couples because they cannot truly love a person and selfishly demand their rights all the time! The pleasure comes when it is shared and the other person is happy.

The importance of respect

To really succeed in a loving relationship, rather than remain infatuated, a couple need to balance the physical attraction they have for each other and make additional progress past that. They need to be considerate of the other person's feelings and develop a deep respect for them. When you truly love someone, you stop trying to get everything you can from them and you start giving back to them. You put them first in decisions you have to make and their well being is as important to you as your own is. You will also make sure that you do not act in a way that will embarrass or hurt them, such as highlighting their faults to others in public. Loving someone also involves upholding a person's dignity. True love that develops between a couple is a beautiful thing. A couple are not plagued by feelings of jealousy or mistrust, that are often present between couples who do not have any genuine love for one another.

Deluded views on love and marriage

If couples really assessed their feelings for their partner prior to marriage, then divorce rates would probably not be as high as they are right now. Not all couples who enter marriage truly love one another or have a realistic view of love and marriage. They love the idea of romantic love that is portrayed in films and books, but they may not always be sure of their true feelings for their spouse. A lot of pain and hardship can be avoided if a couple truly love one another and make the effort to improve things by strengthening their relationship. Infatuation will not hold a relationship together for very long. But love should be a lifelong bond.