How to Tell If You Are in the Wrong Bar

Recently my truck broke down in a small town and I had nothing to do for the night but wait. I decided to check out the local "nightclub" which was right across the street. After the experience, I thought there might be a need for a "watch list" for others.

First Clue

Listen to the music. I love country and the music I could hear seemed to be country. The sign "Live Music" told me it was a band... I thought. The country music I was hearing was the juke box while the band was taking a break. I should have looked at the name of the group. "Mass Suicide" doesn't sound very country, does it? Sp pay attention to those details and maybe your night will turn out better than mine did.

Second Clue

Can you smell the place before you go through the front door? If you smell cigarette smoke, or cigars, that's no big deal. But should you smell pot, it might not be the best place to visit (unless you don't mind getting busted when they're raided). If you detect a strange chemical scent, that could be a really good clue. Unfortunately, I had a little head cold and didn't notice the smell until it was too late.

Third Clue

See who is on the dance floor. Look, I'm not a homophobe, but I don't want to have to watch, either. The dance floor had more women than men... dancing "dirty" and kissing on each other to the country music on the juke box. When the band returned, it got even more physical. There were only two guys holding hands, in a back corner.

Fourth Clue

Do the bathrooms have locking doors? This place didn't. Some of the "dancing girls" took over the ladies room every few minutes, leaning against the door so the other women couldn't get in. When the group emerged, together, they were giggling and wiping their mouths. I don't want to know why... One man got his wife to go into the men's room when she couldn't get to the ladies room. He was "guarding the bathroom door" and got to arguing with other women who wanted to follow his wife. While he discouraged them, a man walked right past him and into the men's room. So, make sure the bathrooms have locking doors (or you might face the same fate as the distracted husband.)

Fifth Clue

See what the other patrons are doing. I watched one man, sitting at a side table, reading "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich" during the show. Now, he was the only guy in a suit, it looked like he was drinking plain coke, and somebody said he was a mortician. The other patrons seemed oblivious to him (or anything else).

Sixth Clue

If you can't tell the gender of the person who asks you to dance, check to see if they have an Adam's Apple. Women don't, men do. I don't dance, even with my wife, but more than one "individual" sidled up and asked me to. Being able to politely say, "No, thank you," is a good idea, too.

Seventh Clue

See how often the local cops drop in to visit. I stayed less than an hour and the same two deputies came in twice and looked around. They were either bored (it was a really small town) or checking on who to arrest on their way out the door.