How to Tell Your Parents that You Don't Want Children

From the day their children are born, parents are already foreseeing the future grandchildren whom they thoroughly expect to grace their laps and living rooms to comfort them in their golden years. Too bad you single handedly ripped that imaginary toddler from your mother's arms when you decided you weren't going to have children. Ok, so maybe it's not quite that dramatic, but you may expect that kind of response when you break the news to your family. How you tell your family about your child bearing plans, or lack thereof, can greatly impact how firm you'll be able to remain in your decisions. Caving in to the pressure can mean producing children as a means of keeping the peace, which, in case you were wondering, isn't the best reason to commit to creating a new life. With that in mind, save yourself a bit of trouble and prepare for the inevitable with the following tips on how to tell your parents that you simply don't want children.

Tip #1: When you break the news to your parents about your not planning on having children, understand that the situation instantly becomes about them. Sure it's your body, you relationship with a significant other, and your life. It doesn't matter. When you tell your parents that they mustn't be expecting any grandchildren from you, they will instantly begin grieving the loss of children who will never be. It's strange to you, but because they've had children themselves and they've been counting on more from you, it will be more than a little difficult for them not to mourn just a bit.

Tip #2: When you approach your parents about the subject, understand why they may try to persuade you to change your mind. Your parents had you, and through all of the trouble and toil they may have actually enjoyed the experience as a whole more than you realize. They don't want you to miss out on that same experience, and they likely cannot imagine their lives without their children. This is where Tip #3 comes in handy.

Tip #3: Lay out your life plans during your discussion with the folks about not having children. Without soccer practice, ballet, parent-teacher conferences, and sleepovers, what will you do with your time? Parents who spent at least eighteen years of their lives devoting themselves to their children sometimes have a hard time understanding what it is that those without kids do on a daily basis. Because rearing children was likely a fulfilling experience for them, you can expect your parents to demand to know what you plan to replace that with. Help them understand that you aren't trying to duplicate that same exact life phase with anything else, but that you have other interests you wish to pursue.

Tip #4: When telling your parents that you don't want children, try not to make the issue about actually liking kids. Ask any child and he/she will tell you that whether or not a person has children has very little to do with whether or not they are kind to them. We've all met parents who were less than wonderful to their children, and the opposite holds true quite often for those without their own kids. Regardless, our society teaches us that to abstain from bearing children means not liking them in general, which could not be further from the truth. Don't assume that you simply hate children because you don't want them. It's not likely you'll be burning down any orphanages any time soon. On that note, even if you aren't as fond of children as others might be, bringing that up when telling your parents of your plans not to reproduce may open you up for a completely irrelevant argument. Avoid this topic altogether if at all possible and stay on your main point (which is your life without children, regardless of your reasons for not having them).

Tip #5: Don't play the victim. When telling your parents that you don't want children, it's natural that you may feel an instant divide between yourself and them. However, don't give in to the pressure to "defend" yourself by pointing to some unfortunate circumstance as your reason for making that choice. In other words, pointing to financial difficulties, health fears, and other common scapegoats usually leads to persuasive arguments from parents desperately hoping to change their child's mind. You can choose not to have children without being the victim of some unforeseen circumstance. Playing the victim may encourage your parents to want to "help" you overcome a situation rather than lead them toward accepting your decision. That means more baby pressure down the road, once you have "overcome" your crutch.

Tip #6: Prepare yourself ahead of time by writing down the questions your parents will ask. What do you expect your parents to ask of you when you announce to them that you won't be having children? What do you expect their reaction to be like? What might be difficult for you to explain? Rather than going into such a loaded conversation unarmed, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally ahead of time by jotting down a few responses you can expect, and go ahead and prepare your answers. Why? Because your parents have had an arsenal of reasons to support your having children since the day you were born, and it's likely that you've just begun understanding your personal reasons for not having them. They're already more prepared than you are for this fight.

Tip #7: Try not to be too defensive. Placing yourself in a boxing ring with your parents on the issue of not having children only pits you against the two people you desperately need support from on such an important and life changing matter. Go into the conversation with an open mind but a firm heart, and don't immediately make the situation a "me against the two of you" scenario. They may be more supportive of the idea than you think if you'll just give them a chance to absorb what you are telling them.

Tip #8: Be prepared for the emotionally charged over-parenting reaction. Some would-be grandparents don't know what to do with all of the pent up parental instincts that have been growing rampantly within them when a child suddenly announces their decision not to have kids. So what do they do? They begin showering their grown children with what they had been prepared to give to their grandchildren. Extra long visits, more frequent phone calls, harsher parental criticism, and a flood of emotional outbursts are the direct result of not having an outlet for these feelings and suddenly learning that there never will be. It's only temporary. Wait it out.

Finally, remember that how you tell your parents about your decision not to have children, and how you react to their response, can directly impact how well you'll stick to your guns. Be careful about how you choose your words for your own sake, and do your best to predetermine their reaction by breaking the news in a manner that caters to their needs without sacrificing yours. It's a fine line, but you truly can strike the balance.