How to Tell Someone Their Behavior is Unacceptable

We all have to deal with difficult people at some point. In most cases we can ignore these individuals and get on with our lives, but what if their behavior has crossed the line and is completely unacceptable? How can we effectively approach an individual and express our concerns about their behavior without creating a bigger problem?

Below are four necessary and effective steps that will enable you to address this issue in a dignified and cordial manner.

Be Compassionate

Believe it or not most people don't realize their behavior is offensive. Informing someone that you disapprove of their behavior should be done with compassion and concern. Being verbally aggressive will cause the person to become defensive and they aren't likely to take you seriously.

You might initiate the conversation by saying, "There's something that's been bothering me and I really value our friendship/relationship, so I feel it is important that we talk about it." This shows that you care, and that you're not trying to make them wrong.

One on One

Unless you feel threatened by the individual, it is best to speak with them confidentially. You don't want them to feel ganged up on. Discussing the issue in private also shows that you care about the person's feelings. They will likely see that you aren't trying to hurt or embarrass them if you handle the situation in this way. If, however they won't listen and they continue with the behavior or you feel you are not the right person to handle the situation, be sure to bring it to the attention of someone who will deal with it in a mature and loving way.

Address the Behavior, Not the Person

One of the biggest mistakes we make when communicating with another about behavioral issues is that we make the person the problem rather than the behavior. For example saying, "You are so careless" is making the person into the problem; where saying, "Some of the things you do make it seem as if you don't care..." is dealing with the behavior. People respond much more favorably to this kind of communication.

Be Prepared

It is important to know what you are going to say ahead of time. If you go in to the situation unprepared you're much more likely to get pulled into an angry dispute. Use the above tips to help you plan an effective and caring approach.

When someone is behaving in a way that is offensive, it is not loving to allow that behavior to continue. You can be sure that if it bothers you, it bothers others. If their behavior is not dealt with it can prevent that person from having meaningful relationships or achieving success.

Although it is unpleasant to speak to someone about their behavior, it really is the right thing to do.