How to Tell You're Having a Lousy Disney Vacation

Well, it's vacation time again and that means packing up the kids and heading south to "Disney World"; or, if you are on the West Coast - "Disneyland"; or, if you are reading this in Europe - "Euro Disney." And, let's not forget Disney's latest vacation spot in North Korea - "Run For Your Life World."

As a frequent visitor to the Disney resorts, I honestly have to say that I have never had a bad experience. (Okay, that time the airlines mistakenly sent my luggage to Bismarck, North Dakota and I was forced to wear Triple X sized Goofy sweatshirts for three days was hardly Disney's fault.)

Anyone I've ever spoken to, who has ever gone on a Disney vacation, is unable to relate a bad experience. So, just how can you know when you've gone to the Disney "well" one too many times? Here are ten clues to help you decide, for yourself, whether or not you are having a lousy Disney vacation.

1. Mickey gives you the finger. (Okay, he only has three fingers, but, still, it's the middle one.)

2. Your Disney cruise to Nassau comes to a screeching halt, when your ship starts sinking, after striking a rogue iceberg.

3. Due to new security measures, check in at your Disney resort, includes a full body cavity search performed by a member of The Pirates of the Caribbean.

4. Minnie Mouse has too much to drink on her lunch break and gives your husband a lap dance at the Crystal Palace.

5. Space Mountain is temporarily closed, while the maintenance crew spends the afternoon mopping up various body fluids.

6. You purchase a turkey leg at a kiosk in the Magic Kingdom and the foot is still attached.

7. EPCOT now features the poor, tiny country of West Destitute where, upon entering, you are approached by a horde of six year olds, with head lice, begging for Disney Dollars.

8. During your safari ride in the Animal Kingdom, several members of your party disappear, while crossing "Quicksand Acres."

9. At the Disney Studios, you discover that the "Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular" has been replaced with the new interactive, puberty feature, "Dora the Explorer Explores Diego."

10. Upon checking out, you find your rental car has been stripped clean, put up on blocks and the only clue as to who could have done this is a three-fingered, white glove left on the front seat.

Hopefully, none of these things will ever happen to you, because Disney vacations are lots of fun and besides, sometimes they even reward writers, who say nice things about them, by giving them free vacations, or so I've heard.

Coming up: Mercedes Benz - It Just Doesn't Get Any Better.