How to Throw a World Series Party

Attend carefully, all ye who have never thrown a party with the TV on. Yes, generally, leaving the TV on for a social gathering is considered quite gauche - it does rather interfere with tweeting and other real social interaction - but for a World Series game, the etiquette-obsessed (both of you) may rest easily. Certain elements, including a TV, are vital for a successful World Series party. They are as follows:

1) You must arrange for "your" team to be playing, so at some point prior to the planned event, you must purchase a Major League baseball team and build a championship squad. The accepted way to do this now - in "tough economic times" - is to groom players in your own minor league system, so the previous sentence should probably read, in part, "six to seven years prior to." But let's assume that this arrangement has been handled, or that, without your personal involvement, your team has made it to The Big Dance. Everything should work out. (If your team isn't playing, 83.3% of the females will head for the patio by the end of the fourth inning, and the gentlemen left to view the contest will be free to employ rude language and bodily gases with abandon. If the beloved home team is playing and females are attending, the gentlemen may need to access the patio between innings.) Counter-intuitively, viewing a team truly hated by the attendees can also result in a successful event. There's really nothing quite as amusing in the world of sports parties as a really enthusiastic Yankee-bashing bash.

2) The TV and seating: Have them. Turn the TV on. Don't worry excessively about the number of seats. Common sense says that you don't actually borrow chairs to watch a baseball game. The floor, with a rug if you insist, should be able to support late-comers.

3) Decorations: Decorations are a bit precious, but if the kids want to hang crepe paper in the team's colors, fine. Let them also put up a couple of posters that came in your newspaper. Don't let them overdo it. You'll feel pretty silly scraping that tape off the wall if your team loses.

4) Food: Choose only from the following items: pizza, beer, hot dogs, beer, chili dogs, beer, hamburgers, chips, peanuts, and beer. No chicken divan, no veal cordon bleu, no "appetizers" that don't pour out of a foil-like bag into a bowl. No sushi, even if Dice-K is pitching. Be serious.

5) What to have to drink: This really depends on where the team you are pulling for (or against) stands in the Series the night of the party. If your team is ahead in the Series, mixed drinks may cautiously be served; if your team is down, liquors are discouraged. If your team is down 3-0, brown liquors are prohibited. Sodas are OK, but herbal teas, flavored iced teas, and coffee are seriously discouraged. Bottled water, as always, is a waste of money.

6) Rules:

A) No steroid-user should be cheered, even if he plays for your team and hits a five-run homer.

B) Pirates, Royals and Nationals fans should be permitted to attend, and to cheer for either team playing, but no brown liquors for them. They're frustrated; they needn't be drunk too.

C) No football colors!

D) A first-time team in the World Series, or any team that hasn't been there for thirty or more years, has a 99.1% likelihood of losing the entire Series, and a 79.3% chance of losing the game you're viewing (prominent e.g., the Cubs).

E) No throwing objects at the TV.

And F) No batter is Babe Ruth. "Throw strikes, dammit."