How to Use Time-Outs Effectively with Your Child

There will always be times when a child is beyond his or her point of control and has said or done something that as an adult in a caretaker's role, you cannot ignore. The specifics change depending on the setting, but an infraction has occurred be it hitting, name-calling, or other no-no, and you are responsible for teaching the child that certain actions are unacceptable. You're looking at the child and the child is looking at you and you both know something has to happen...but what?

A time-out may be just what is needed in this situation. What exactly is a time-out? The very basic explanation is that a time-out removes the child from the situation that has provoked their inappropriate behavior for an age-appropriate length of time.

When is a time-out appropriate? For a time-out to work a child has to understand the rules AND that be able to connect inappropriate social behavior with temporary loss of group privileges. For example if you have a 14 month old who throws a toy at another child you can say "No" very firmly and even take the offending toy away, but putting that child in time-out would be a waste of time and energy because he cannot understand WHY he is being separated from the group. On the other hand, starting around 24 months most children can understand that if they can't play nicely then they will have to sit alone and not play at all for a few minutes.

So, the first step in an appropriate time-out is that a child understand the concept of consequences. The second necessary step is that the time-out be appropriate for the age and development of the child. If everyone is playing in the living room and a three year old needs a time-out he doesn't have to be banished all the way to his room. It will make enough of an impact on him that he has to stop playing and sit quietly on the couch, or time-out bench. For an older child (elementary school age), it may be more appropriate for them to go to their room and may actually be less embarrasing for them.

The length of time-out also needs to be developmentally appropriate. A common saying is that a time-out should be one minute per year of the child's age. If that works for you fine, but the principal is the most important part. Toddlers have very limited attention spans and just can't sit still for more than a few minutes. However, once a child has reached elementary school they do have much greater self-control, understanding of right and wrong, and more alternate behaviors available to them. You might find that when your six or seven year old needs a time-out that ten minutes is an appropriate length of time. This is mostly a matter of knowing your child and having realistic expectations for behavior.

The most important part of a time-out should be when the time-out is over, but before the child has returned to the group. This is where you have the opportunity to talk to your child. The following points are the most crucial to make sure that the child understands why he was in a time-out, and what he can do to avoid one in the future. The conversation should be brief and age-appropriate. If you're dealing with a young child you're going to do most of the talking, but with an older child it can be more of a dialogue. Once the child is back in the group he has "paid his debt to society" and the incident should be considered over and done with.

1. Review the situation. "You had a time-out because you were angry and hit Joe."
2. Restate the rule and give an alternate behavior. "We don't hit when we're angry, but we can use our words."
3. Reintegrate the child into the group. "You did a good job in your time out and now you can say sorry to Joe and come back and play."

A time-out can be a very effective discipline technique for toddlers through older children as long as it is adapted to meet the individual child's developmental needs. It provides children with the understanding that they are responsible for their own actions, and that there are consequences to negative behavior. It allows both the caretaker and the child to have a few minutes on their own before talking through the issue and provides the tools necessary for them to have a conversation about why the behavior is inappropriate and what can be done differently next time. When used calmly and consistently this is an incredible helpful way to raise responsible and communicative children.