How to Trim a Baby's Fingernails

Babies arrive in this world completely helpless. They have four skills: screaming, flailing, defecating, and eating (and even that has to be learned). They're like hairless monkeys minus the poo flinging. This does not mean I don't love them. Cuteness is a powerful quality.

Their most dangerous skill is the flailing. My daughter came out of the womb sporting talons sharper than my kitchen knives. Baby mitts were useless, as they were constructed for children of ordinary size; they'd fall right off her giant, meaty hands. And all the newborn clothes with the built-in mitts were far too small for her.

She spent two weeks with newborn socks (too small for the feet, but just perfect for the hands) over her fists before I worked up the courage to trim her fingernails down. Side note: Newborns have fists of steel that never release their death grip unless coaxed. Newborns also sweat. A lot. If you happen to be dumb enough to leave socks on your child's hands for more than a day, do not further exhibit your stupidity by breathing in as you remove them. That smell still haunts my dreams.

First, I tried filing her nails. One of my friends is a nurse in the NICU; she should, presumably, be an expert on baby grooming. She told me a story about the one and only time she'd tried to trim her daughter's nails. Her daughter lost a bit of a fingertip, and my friend's hearing has never been the same. From then on, she never trimmed. She always filed. So I took her advice. It didn't work. My daughter's nails were too thin-probably the reason they were so sharp. They just folded back and forth under the pressure of the file.

Then my sister suggested using baby nail scissors instead of clippers. I bought some and got to work. While my daughter was awake. This was another dumb move. She was still in the Don't You Ever Touch Me Phase. She liked to be held, not handled; any attempt to mess with her person was met with sharp screams in the ear and sharper claws in the eyes. The moment metal touched fingertip, it was over. It was like trying to perform surgery during an earthquake.

To give you a better idea, go out and buy a live squid. Glue tiny shards of glass to the ends of its tentacles. Feed it some cocaine. Now snip off the ends of those glass shards without drawing any blood-the squid's or yours. Do this after you haven't slept in two weeks.

I was at a loss; I resorted to biting her fingernails, as another mom I know does. This backfired. I had to sip my meals through a straw for weeks, and my lower lip is still numb.

So I waited until she was sound asleep. It worked once, miraculously, and for two days my face, chest, and arms got to relax a little. Then the fingernails sprouted back up. I woke up one morning, and they were suddenly six inches long. I attempted another stealth trimming, but she wasn't having any of it. She woke immediately. Punishment was swift and severe. I still have trouble talking about it.

Then I decided to try it while she was nursing. My daughter has two modes while she's eating: Hyper Twitch Mode and Dead Baby Mode. In Dead Baby Mode, nothing short of removing the food source will wake her. Her whole body goes limp, hands included. The sheer joy of eating renders her incapable of movement from the jaw down.

So I went to work, gingerly picking up her limp little hand and snipping away at each tiny nail. In no time at all, her nails were short and clean. That's how I've clipped her nails ever since.

A few words of caution: First, even short nails are capable of inflicting great damage. It's just that now they're more like safety razors than switchblades. Second, as they start to grow out, the corners will stick out more than the middle of the fingernail (unless you can figure out a way to cut baby's fingernails in a nice, smooth arch). These corners, if left untrimmed, will punch holes in your face and torso. Third, don't think that trimming baby's nails will keep you safe for longer than a day. Those things grow faster than the bacteria cultures they harbor. Finally, keep some neosporin and a roll of sterile bandages ready. Things could go horribly, horribly wrong at any moment. Good luck!