How to Turn Your Husband into a Handyman

I had a great idea. Actually, great is an understatement. This was an epiphany!
It was the one defining moment every housewife should have - how to turn your husband into a handyman!

Not only did my husband agree to be my handyman, he did it with a smile on his face. No groaning, complaining, or eye-rolling. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the thought of becoming my personal handyman.

I don't know about you ladies, but getting odd jobs done around my house has been an ongoing battle for nearly fifteen years. All of a sudden, because of one brilliant idea, my husband is Mr. Fixit. I like my husband's new new handyman mentality. He likes his new payment plan.

Wait a minute, you're thinking. 'Did you say payment plan?' Yes, I did. I figured if I treated this as a business transaction, my husband would, too. So, I wrote a contract. We both signed it. Now, my husband is my official handyman, and I am under contract to pay for his services.

Not only will I tell you how I came up with the terms of our contract, I'll help you write a contract of your own. This will include descriptions of odd jobs, payment for each job, and a time frame for the job to be completed. It also includes a disclaimer. But I'll get into all that in a little bit. Right now, I'd like you to indulge me by letting me tell you how this brilliant idea came to be....

I was cleaning the icebox. Not just tossing out leftovers, but really cleaning it. All the contents had been removed. So had all the shelves, except for one. (I told you I was really cleaning it!) So, I grabbed hold of the last shelf and pulled it out. A metal bar slid out from underneath it and slid across the kitchen floor. A plastic do-hickey fell on my foot.

Holding that last shelf, I looked around my kitchen. 'I don't have time to fix this,' I thought. The sink was full of dishes, the compost bucket was overflowing, and the kitchen table was full of condiments of every shape and size. Hmmm..... I don't remember buying all those......

Anyway, I am not a handyman- uh- woman, by any means. I'm doing good to know the difference between a hammer and a nail. (The nail is the pointy one, right?) So I did what any stressed out, stay-at-home, repair challenged wife with PMS would do.... I texted my husband.

The conversation went something like this:
Wife (that's me): I need help. I broke the icebox shelf. Can you fix it when you get home, please?

Husband: How can you break an icebox? Yes, I'll fix it when I get home.

Wife (me, again): I was cleaning it. I guess the dirt was holding it together. By the way, I think there are pieces missing. Thanks. I love you, my sexy handyman.

I thought that would be the end of the conversation. But, then, I received another text. 'Ah, here comes the excuse,' I thought to myself. Opening and reading it, I realized how wrong I was!

Husband: The icebox isn't the only thing I'll fix when I get home, my horny little housewife. Your sexy handyman loves you, too.

Wife (still me): It's a date!

Now, I won't write the rest of the conversation for all of the world to see. Obviously, it just got better. We texted the rest of the day. That got me thinking ( which is kind of dangerous, sometimes) about how I could use this to get other things done.This could be mutually beneficial. I could get odd jobs done and he could get extra favors. This brings us to ....

The Contract. I was struck like lightning by this idea! If he wanted to be my sexy handyman, I'd definately let him. As I finished up the icebox, I thought about what payments I could offer. I realized that I already had all the payment I needed within my reach, literally. Two of my husband's favorite things- food and sex! So, now, I have my end of the contract.

I got out paper and pencil and started writing a cover letter. It went something like this:

Dear Sexy Handyman,

I have some work that needs to be done. I have included a list of odd jobs I would like you to do. Please notice some of these jobs are time sensitive. All payments are listed by job. I believe these payments to be fair. However, if you disagree, let me know before starting the job, so adjustments may be made as necessary.
Please consider accepting pay-as-you-go terms. I would even consider paying as much as half the amount up front.

Sincerely,
Your Horny Housewife

This letter isn't exactly like ours, but you get the idea. You may use this letter as is, or change it to suit your purposes. Plug in your own nicknames.

The next thing I did was to choose which odd jobs I needed done first. I decided on a mix of easy to medium tasks. I also thought it best to keep this first contract to only a handful of projects. Okay, so two handfuls. I had eleven must-do's on my list. Not too long, and I wouldn't get behind on my payments. Perfect!Now, it was time to lay it all out for my husband. I figured simplicity was best. Here is two examples of how I listed odd jobs, time frames, and payments.

1) Job: Install a second gate in the goat's pen
Time: Before October 31st
Pay: Four hickies and a hot-n-heavy make out session

2) Job: Replace molding around door and fix steps on the shed
Time: ASAP (if completed by end of this month, bonus pay)
Pay: babysitter, banana split fixin's, and whatever that may lead to!
Bonus: One hour of you calling all the shots!!

Yes, the above are actual jobs. However, some payment details have been changed to keep this, ahem, reader friendly. I would like to point out that the payments offered vary according to degree of difficulty. For example, the posts for the gate in job # 1 are already installed. We already have the gate. (I'll admit it, this is a reissued odd job. It never got finished the first time around. But now, we have a contract!) The job probably won't take more than 15 or 20 minutes. So the pay is less.

On the other hand, odd job #2 is more difficult. There is measuring, cutting, and sweating required. Plus, he will need to make a trip to the home improvement store.

That brings us to the disclaimer. You may not need a disclaimer. I do. My husband, while well intentioned, tends to do things "the easy way". To deal with this, the disclaimer was born. Ours goes something like the following:

Please remember that this is a contract. You are expected to complete all jobs on time. If any job is not finished by the listed date, payment will decrease.
Also, all jobs are to be done properly. No halfway, or rigged jobs will be accepted for payment.
I look forward to doing business with you.

The final section of the contract is the signature and date section. This is how my husband's signature section reads.

I, , accept the aforementioned odd jobs and payments.

Signature: Date:

My section looks like this:

I, , agree to pay all amounts, in full, upon services being completed.

Signature: Date:

I decided to put my masterpiece where my husband was sure to find it on his own. I propped it up between his contact solution and case. Usually, when he comes home, he has a routine. Kids get hugged. As he walks through the kitchen (I'm usually at the stove), I get a token kiss, hug, and ,"I love you." Then he heads for the shower, takes out his contacts, and dons his glasses.

I must say, I like this nightly routine. However, that night was different. Remember all the texting? (It started back at 9 the next morning, by the way). My husband came through the door. He hugged and kissed the kids. He came into the kitchen and gave me candy. Then, he gave me a big hug and a slow, deep kiss.

"Let your sexy handyman see what he can do," says he. Then he turns, and starts to fix my icebox!

After supper, I went to turn down the blankets and fluff the pillows for later. Laying on my pillow was the carefully torn off signature section of the contract. The next morning, as I was putting things in order on his bathroom counter, I found the rest of the contract in his drawer. It wasn't shoved in there all helter- skelter like everything else. It was neatly folded and tucked to the side.

I really do look forward to doing business with my sexy handyman!

Update: Since I wrote this article, my husband has done several things around the house that aren't even on his contract! I always pay him well and thank him lavishly for his efforts. I broke the icebox (again) the next week. I forgot to mention it, but as soon as he noticed, he fixed it right away. That's never happened at my house in fifteen years! From doors that no longer squeak, to a riding lawnmower that runs, three cheers for my sexy handyman!!!