How to Turn on Women

My nickname is derived from a very rare quality I possess, which is to realize that I don't know everything, and never will. However, one thing I have learned, and I'll share this with you, is how to turn on women. Yes, it involves the bed. No, it doesn't mean hopping in all raring to go. This actually involves something you could do to the bed hours ahead of time that will drive your woman into a frenzy of friskiness, which is this:

You could MAKE it!

That's right, pull the sheets and blanket up, smooth out the wrinkles, tuck the spread in and around the pillows ... then open up the bedroom windows to let in some fresh air. When she sees this, she'll reward you with some goooood lovin'.

As you can see by this revelation, Mr. Knowalot now understands women. Either that or I'm married to a bedspread fetishist. In any case, I understand this much -- things such as making the bed, doing the laundry, filling the gas tank, and putting down the toilet seat are genuine aphrodisiacs for many women.

This column is dedicated to helping you guys who need a bit of guidance in the proper treatment and handling of women. It's also for you women who, by reading this, may get an insight into how misguided most of us guys are, and how we're trying to adjust. For instance, women, if your fella tries something a little out of character and you don't know why, such as, say, bring you a clump of damp hair he has pulled from the bathroom sink drain and proclaim, "It's because I love you, dear" ... well, you'll know where he got his inspiration.

So for you men who have pretty much given up on all the conventional methods for arousing your mate, such as stomping into the bedroom wearing only your shorts (and they're pulled down a notch, so there's no doubt in her mind what YOU'RE thinking), slapping on some after shave, turning the radio down so the baseball announcer's voice is at its most seductive ... then bouncing into bed and grabbing at portions of her anatomy ... here are a few tips:

1. Do the laundry. Some Saturday morning, when you finally roll out of bed, go peek in the hamper (after making the bed, of course). Now you'll find that the ... yes, the hamper ... that's the piece of wicker furniture in your bedroom that serves no apparent purpose. Open it. That's right, it's empty. This is because your wife got up hours ago and took the clothes and washed them.

Still, this is no excuse! Examine your side of the bed. You'll find some laundry of your own. Those black fur balls covered with a layer of dust, they're your socks ... that tattered yellow oil rag, that's your underwear ... the mound of moldy burlap in the corner is your towel. Gather these and sort them into darks, whites, and mixed colors and leave them in a conspicuous place for your woman. (Or better yet, stuff them into the washing machine yourself and give it a spin.) Later, when she's folding and ironing all these things, you can rest assured that tonight you'll get a gesture of thanks (hopefully it's a polite gesture).

2. Make the bed. This has already been mentioned, but it bears repeating, with a few added admonitons, such as: Do it frequently, not just when your mother is coming. Don't make the bed if there are items still in it ... oil rags, backscratchers, pet gerbils, tissues, etc. (If the sheets need cleaning, refer to tip #1.) When your woman finds out that you've not only a) made the bed, but b) created a new load of laundry for her, she will c) express her gratitude in ways that you'll not forget for quite some time.

3. Put down the seat. Speaking for myself, I would do this even if I didn't have a woman I wanted to impress. I also close the lid. Mr. Knowalot has discovered that an open toilet is an invitation to all sorts of hazards. For one, what about that slippery toothbrush? You can be sure that if you lose your grip on your toothbrush, the more you try to catch it the more it will elude you, until it's flying in the air, and you go to grab it but only succeed in knocking the toothbrush into the wall, where it richochets in an unpredicable direction but with a certain ending -- in the toilet bowl.

Of course the other good reason to put down the seat is because it demonstrates how much you love and respect your woman. She knows you are considerate and don't want her to mistakenly sit down without a comfy cozy seat, and for this she will love you all the more. Besides, your teeth will always be nice and clean.

4. Keep her car filled with gas. It's a genetic thing. Women do not like to pump gas. Men, however, find that it satisfies most of their minimum daily macho requirements. The one thing both men and women agree on is that it's cool to have a full tank of gas. So men, keep her tank full. The gas tank in her car, I mean. Don't try to read any double meaning into this. There is none. Women love a man who knows how to use his nozzle, that's all.

In conclusion, there's far more to a male-female relationship than physical contact. This is not to say that women don't want to be physical. In fact, there are times when she will take the lead, aggressively speaking, especially when night after night her man sits and browses the Internet and writes silly articles. There will be times when she just grabs him by the neck and leads him off to