How to Be a Typical Wheel of Fortune Contestant

We've all seen America's Game. At least I would hope we all have, anyway. But in the appalling case that you haven't, allow me to quickly divulge to you the details of game play.

Modeled after the wildly popular paper and pen game Hangman, Wheel of Fortune allows contestants to guess consonants and vowels to spell out a common phrase or otherwise similarly known word combination. No longer is the act of phrase guessing reserved for restaurant waiting periods or high school study halls.

Three contestants play each game by spinning a wheel ("of Fortune") containing prizes. They land on a space, guess a consonant and make money. Then, for the sum of $250, they can choose to buy a vowel. In the event that the letter they choose does not appear in the puzzle, they lose their turn. This also happens if they land on the "Lose a Turn" space. "Bankrupt" spaces have the same effect, but will also cause you to lose whatever monies/prizes you have earned during that round.

Being that Wheel of Fortune is a game show, the main objective [for the contestants] is to win money. And now that the wonderful makers of the show have employed the Spin I.D. aspect for viewers at home, the contestants directly impact the viewers' interests. At least in the bonus round, that is. I want you to win so that I have the opportunity to win, you see?

A few years ago, they made the addition of the Jackpot round. Where if you land on the "Jackpot" space, and can solve the puzzle on that turn, you then win whatever monies are currently in the jackpot. I think that's a pretty good deal. But no one ever lands on it, an aspect to which I will later return.

My main point is the playing of the game itself. We sit at home, cheering you contestants on, even during the rounds when we have nothing at stake (I still haven't figured this part out), but you continue to disappoint us. If you're questioning why, look no further, but please, continue to do the following:

1) By all means, buy a vowel. Especially when all of the letters excepting that lone vowel are already displayed. Why bother guessing what completes "MOTION PICT_RE" when you can buy the 'U' just to be sure. Who knows, maybe the completion is MOTION PICTARE.

2) Call for the first letter you know is missing. The puzzle is "PRIN_E E_WAR_ ISLAN_S" and you've landed on the $5000 space. You scream and jump up and down, obviously excited. Remember not to let the amount of money influence your brain and yell out "C!" before you can rationalize otherwise. You wouldn't want to triple the earnings by using your head and calling for the three D's that are still left. That would just be silly, wouldn't it?

3) Don't pay attention to your spinning potential. This is where the jackpot round comes back into play. If you continue to be aloof in your game playing, you will never notice the pattern of your spinning and can continue to land on Bankrupts, Lose a Turns, or low money spaces at your leisure. You wouldn't want to maximize your winnings now, would you?

Maybe the next time someone recognizes you on the street (oh come on, you were on TV, someone's got to recognize you, right?) and asks if you were that contestant on Wheel of Fortune, you'll think twice before you smile proudly and respond, "Why yes, yes I was."

**Note: The scenarios described above are in no way intended to reference a particular puzzle or contestant on the game. Any similarities are completely coincidental although similarly idiotic.