How to Understand Pregnancy Body Changes

Nine months of pregnancy gave me the most precious gift I could possibly imagine....my beautiful son. Said pregnancy is also responsible for some of the worst damage to my formerly svelte body as it morphed my lean physique into something that I barely recognize. Never in a million years would I consider myself to be a vain person who cared about that tiny little body I had throughout my youth. An old adage states "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." Now that I no longer inhibit the body of such a woman, I am acutely aware of how much I miss my pre-pregnancy figure. Allow me to tell you what the books don't.

Obviously you will gain weight. This is inevitable. If you don't pack on those pounds you run the risk of a baby who is deficient with vital nutrients that are imperative for his or her development. However, I am not here to complain about the increased numbers on the scale while your bun rests comfortably in your oven. That is something I can assure you will go away, at least partially, after birth. Immediately before my delivery I swelled to almost 170 and looked like a heavily sedated beached whale. My face and entire body was swollen and I looked like a human version of the marshmallow villain from Ghostbusters. When I was discharged, I was at least 20 pounds lighter. Unfortunately, those are only the beginning of my problems...

Do not expect to leave that hospital wearing clothes that are not of the maternity variety. For the next few weeks you will resemble a woman in her second trimester and seethe with anger whenever a stranger asks when you are due. My son has been with me for almost 5 months now and I still have a stomach pooch that will not disappear. I could be wasting away with anorexia, yet my flabby lower abdomen would remain. A writer from Vogue summarized it best when she said her stomach still-- even several years later-- resembled a "deflated souffle."

Fat is not the only thing haunting my mid section. The stretch marks that permanently decorate my belly give me the appearance of a burn victim. I feel ugly and deformed. As luck would have it, no lotion, potion, or cream can do anything to remove these squiggly purple lines. Even plastic surgery has minimal efficacy. Because of these unsightly marks, I will never wear a bikini again.

I wish I could say the problems end there, but I don't want to lie to you.

Although I have always had hips, they have multiplied exponentially in size. A small village could live comfortably within the enormous width of my new hips. Once upon a time I wore the same numeric size for tops and bottoms. Most of my dresses were small and a few were medium. Now there is a four size discrepancy between my upper torso and my lower half. Dresses are mostly larges with a few mediums thrown in for good measure. Shopping for clothes is a nightmare. Pajamas and men's shirts have become my favorite fashion accessory.

Let's not forget my bust. As luck would have it, I was the only pregnant woman whose breasts did not quadruple in size. Au contraire. My "awesome A's" as my sweet mother calls them remained constant until my third trimester. Then, suddenly, one of them decided to get much larger! Now I have mismatched lady lumps that makes finding a proper bra fit next to impossible. With my dreams of appearing on Girls Gone Wild shattered, I seriously contemplated plastic surgery to correct the girls.

Most depressing about my new shape is the repercussions it has for my sex life. I am not married and have been with two people since I gave birth. Many moons ago I was confident, an exhibitionist, and now I am anything but. I'm the girl who wants the lights off and refuses to remove my bra. Climbing atop somebody gives me a feeling of nausea. What if they are looking at my deflated souffle, my stretch marks, the mismatched tatas, or worse-- all of the above?! Gone are the days where I can truly relax and enjoy myself.

Ladies, I do not write this to depress you. I merely want you to know what you may have in store, though hopefully you are luckier than I am and escape your pregnancy unscathed.