How to Vomit Properly

That toilet calling your name isn't inviting you over to give you a gift. It doesn't want to serenade you, or tell you that it loves you. It certainly doesn't want to hug you and welcome you home. It wants -you- to hug -it- so that it can conveniently and deceivingly suck the contents of your stomach into the netherworld with a hardy "flush" that almost sounds like laughter if you're properly tanked.

PVT, or post-vomit-tension is a serious disorder that comes from straining in odd positions, or vomiting improperly. This can be avoided by following the steps to ensure a safe and secure spillage.

You may notice your mouth begins to water heavily. This is the body prepping your esophageal lining for the acid it's about to spew like dragon fire. A few people won't experience this but most do. If you didn't catch on to this little forewarning when you were a kid then its time to start learning. The warning is short, like a tornado siren. Run for the bathroom and do it now. If you were already there from a previous session, simply reposition yourself for round 2 (or round 4 or 5 if you had a really good night)

Step 1: Get on the floor on your knees. Grip bowl firmly -after- lifting the seat. Leaving the toilet seat down acts like a ski-slope. Your spray will hit the scoop of the seat and go all over. Plus having it up gives you a wider target. Once you have a firm grip, remain away from the bowl until the last second. You may actually be able to avoid hurling burger-meal by relaxing and breathing slowly. Premature stabbing of the face into the bowl will give you the scent of a thousand Browns games at the Super bowl. Even a clean toilet holds the secret smell of an army of dead pigeons. That smell will most certainly jump-start the process.

Step 2: If relaxing and breathing didn't help, prepare for war. You'll feel your stomach tighten. At this point, assume the correct posture! Arch your back and flex your neck back slightly, this puts your head in the proper position to skee-ball launch your brine. If you're dizzy at all, get a little closer but watch for flashback. Keep your grip on the toilet, it's essential. You may get dizzy while you're force-heaving wonton.

Step 3: HEAVE! Clench your abdominal muscles and maintain your posture with a slight downward point, generating the perfect arc, as your body forces you to vomit. There are several things you MUST AVOID at this point.

DO NOT stuff your face into the bowl, the downward angle will cause vomit to come out your nose. When this happens, you may end up sucking chunk down your nose if you sniffle at the end. The resulting taste will send you RIGHT back to Step 1.

DO NOT climb the wall with your feet as you're chugalug in reverse. Footprints are hard to clean, and you may end up slipping, falling forward, shoving your head into a bowl full of processed . If you can't help but crawl the wall it is imperative that you maintain your grip on the bowl. Unfortunately you're guaranteed to get nose-chunkies. This wont be your last visit in that case, and it may just be a longer one.

DO NOT fight it. The dark side of the force always wins.

DO NOT put your hands on the floor. This is a sure fire way to end up resting your face on the toilet bowl, in which you'll come out with unsightly brown rings on your chin and cheeks...and it ain't vomit.

Step 4: Heave 1 complete, take a breath. Countdown to phase 2, in 3...2...1... GO! The second heave is always easier than the first, and at this point you might actually be enjoying it in the back of your head. I know, you're crying, and it's OK. Every sissy has to puke once in a while. Cry it out girly. You might even laugh -and- cry. If that's the case, you need to call AA. Remember it's key to maintain your position in between heaves and ho's. Otherwise you'll end up wall-crawling, hovering or chin-rimming. You're not a fire-breathing dragon, or spider-man. Hang on to the bowl. Worst case scenario, you miss because you let go and sat back then started shooting liquid shark bait again. It's game over at that point. Just puke in the tub, the sink, wherever. You gotta clean anyway. If you're a trooper and you managed to hang on to the bowl, then get ready for phase 3

Step 5: Phase 3 ... get ready to pray to the porcelain god. It's gonna be a powerful prayer. The third BLAH and any that follow are progressively worse and worse as your stomach is now running on "E" and your body is as persistent as a 20 year old hopped up on Viagra to get rid of -everything-. At this point, you may have no choice but to throw your face into the toilet. Your body may force you. Like a mobster grabbing your hair and shoving you down into the water. Your body is gonna punish you this time around as if it were rubbing a dogs nose in it. Bad Monkey!

Now, breathe easy. you're done. Your body will permit you to collapse backward on the floor as you whimper and moan and stare at the really bright lights. This is also a key junction, especially if you live with someone else. DO NOT grab the decorative towels to wipe face, blow nose, etc. This will spell your doom. It's a known fact that anyone who just threw up loses 50% of their comprehension and becomes retarded for a brief period of time. You end up with the collective IQ of the Bush administration. It is however OK to use a roommates towel. It always absorbs better than yours, and much better than toilet paper.

Now flush, rise and stagger your way toward a Pepsi or a coke. Rinse your mouth, head for bed, make your oath to never drink again, and get some sleep. You'll need the energy tomorrow when you talk about how much fun you had while you plan the next outing.