How We Potty Train

Step 1: Under the strain of guilt from the way the first child (aka: "parenting guinea pig") was potty trained (too pushy) put the whole thing off until the thought of dealing with any more toddler poop is too much to bear.

Step 2: Decide to train "gently" and without bribery. Roll eyes at suggestions to offer M&M's, gummy bears, or any other tooth-rotting enticement.

Step 3: Measure the cost of sanity against the effects of a small lump of sugar. Give in. Offer a leftover Easter jelly-bean if he'll just poo in the toilet and not in his diaper. The child cheerfully agrees but refuses to sit for more than 5 seconds.

Step 4: In a flash of brilliance, hand the child a remote control truck. Now he will happily stay on the toilet. Now he doesn't want to leave. Now he will "need" his remote control truck in order to "produce" anything. The truck will clutter up the small bathroom for weeks. Is it worth it? Yes!

Step 5: Every time a "plop" is heard, jump up and down and say ridiculous things like "Yay! You pooped! Wasn't that fun? Isn't that cool?" in an attempt to convince the child that this is indeed ever so much better than using a diaper.

Repeat steps 3-5 intermittently until the child realizes there is no going back. He will try. Mine admitted to me that he felt pooping in his diaper was easier than going on the potty. Because, you know, a three-year-old has so much going on in his life that convenience is paramount, and getting undressed to go to potty several times a day is tremendously inconvenient.