How to Welcome a New Sibling

The birth or adoption of a new baby into a family brings many changes. This change is more complex when there is a sibling involved. Change is difficult for many people, especially children. While change can be difficult, it can also be fun, exciting, and offer the opportunity for growth on many different levels. There are many different steps you can take as a parent to make the birth or adoption of your new baby rewarding for everyone.

There is no right way to tell your child about the new baby. It is important to remember that you know your child best. Keep that information close to heart, and follow your instincts about what will work for your own child. The most important aspect of change is preparation. Preparing yourself and your child for the birth or adoption of your new baby is the key to a successful transition to a larger family. By talking to your child about the new baby, making "prenatal introductions", involving your child in the pregnancy or adoption, and allowing your child to have a special role in the process will help you make the transition with greater ease.

During the pregnancy or adoption process, allow your child to be involved in whatever way feels comfortable to them. Introduce the baby to your child, and allow the conversation to be directed by your child's questions and thoughts. Try to take your child's developmental level into consideration. If your child is a toddler, keep the conversation brief and clear. Show pictures and picture books to your child about the birth of a new baby. Let your child touch your belly, and give your child a baby doll to play with. Take time out to model for your child. Children aren't born with the skills to handle a baby appropriately; teach them what appropriate touch is by rocking, kissing, and hugging the baby doll. Also, you may want to try modeling some of the activities you might do with the baby. You and your child may push the baby in the stroller, practice being quiet when the baby is sleeping in the crib, and showing how you will diaper the baby. These same strategies will work with older children; however preschool children are more likely to want to take an active role in the process. Remember, don't allow your child to do things with the baby doll that you do not want him or her to do with the actual baby!

Preschoolers also benefit from being "introduced" to the new baby in utero. Allow your preschooler to touch your belly, ask questions, and look at the new baby's belongings. Allow your child's questions to lead your conversations. Try and be specific when answering, and only answer the specific question that they are asking. For example, your preschooler might ask "where do babies come from?" Answer that question, and only that question. You might respond, "Babies grow inside their mommy's belly". Children will prompt you by asking more questions if they are more interested.

Regardless of your child's age, remember to make them feel special and valued throughout the whole process, and after the new baby comes home. Define your child's role for them, and remind them that they are a "big sister" or "big brother", and how special that is. Allow them to spend time in the new baby's room, and give them a special task(s) to complete for the baby. For example, if your child likes to draw, ask them to draw a special picture for the baby's room, and frame it and ask your child for help in hanging it. Admire the picture often, and allow your child to participate in other ways. Other ideas to involve your child and make them feel special might include looking at picture books about being a "big brother" or "big sister", taking your child to prenatal appointments, attending a sibling preparation course with them, thinking of baby names together, and looking through your child's own baby book. Reminiscing with your child is a wonderful way to explain the process visually, while at the same time validating their importance in the family and your love for them.

Make a plan for when your baby arrives. Have a special person(s) ready to stay with your child while you are at the hospital. Plan fun activities for your child and this special person to do while you are away. Schedule trips for your child to visit the hospital after the birth, so that they can connect with their new sibling immediately. When your child does visit, be present with your child physically and emotionally. Allow them to touch and caress the baby, and praise them for doing a good job. Make sure to tell them that the baby loves them, and providing a special "gift" from the baby to their new big brother or sister can be a wonderful way to say I love you. Have the child's caregiver give them small, pre-wrapped gifts that you prepare before you leave for the hospital. This will let your child know that you are thinking of them while you are away with the new baby. If possible, schedule a "mommy and me" luncheon at the hospital before going home, to make some special time for you and your child.

After arriving at home with your new baby, expect for your child to be somewhat jealous or to be extra "needy". Allow your child the room that they need to express their emotions, and try to allow them to be involved in all the activities that you do. For example, put an extra rocking chair next to yours so that they can sit with you when you feed or rock baby. Keep your child's existing schedule as consistent as possible, and allow for special one on one time with him or her. If your child does misbehave, follow your usual behavior plan, but provide extra sensitivity and love. Reinforce their special position in the family, and remind family and friends to talk to the child when visiting the new baby. Model your own behavior for friends and family by gently reminding them when they are cooing over baby. You might say, "____ is a beautiful baby, and ____ is the best big sister I know. She has been so gentle and loving to the baby." Most will follow your cue and focus some well-deserved attention on your child.

Most importantly, stay flexible, and take care of yourself. If you are well-cared for, you will be able to provide quality care to your children.

Some excellent reading materials for expectant families and their children are:

Waiting For Baby, Annie Kubler
My New Baby, Annie Kubler
Sesame Street- Three Bears and A New Baby
The New Baby, Mercer Myer