How to Win Back a Rhinoceros that Doesn't Love You Anymore

Well, if your rhinoceros doesn't love you anymore, but hasn't said it yet, the first thing you should do is sit him down and try to talk to him. Ask him why he looked away during your intercourse the night before. Hopefully he will answer you the first time. If not ask again, as everyone knows a rhinoceros cannot tell a lie. Don't allow him to walk out though, because if he walks out he will not come back. Tranquilizer darts may be necessary; it's pretty hard to run away from anyone with one of those in your neck. Unfortunately if your rhinoceros gets away with that in his neck, he'll probably be stolen.

Now, if your rhinoceros has told you that he doesn't love you, well that complicates things. You see, rhinoceroses are very honest creatures, but if you want him back than you must work extra hard. You see the only way he will ever accept you back, is if you make his life a living hell. Make him understand that you will not be treated this way. This can be done in many ways. Sell his Porsche, castrate him, have sex with his boss, or simply just call him all day long. No matter what it will take some effort to do.

Now let's assume that you're just sick of your rhinoceros. You know he doesn't care about you, and you just want this relationship to end. Well there is a very intricate way to do this, because like O.J Simpson if you anger your rhinoceros, it can have very unfortunate results. No one wants to end up dead, and I of course don't want that to happen to you, my dear reader. So in order to properly break up with said rhinoceros, you must first gather the heart of 3 chickens, 2 of which must be chicks. Next you must make a salad, not just any salad, a purple salad. Only purple cabbage and purple vegetables are acceptable. Cut up the chicken hearts and put them in purple sauce, until they too are purple. Than that night do an erotic dance for your rhinoceros, and feed him the salad. After he finishes eating, simply tell him that you've moved on, and he shall understand.