How to Win Friends and Influence People

Winning friends and influencing people is a technique that comes more naturally to some than others. In every sphere of life, however, people want to be able to have friends and be able push their ideas if they think they have some good ones. And, this is perfectly reasonable to desire. Someone whose ideas are never taken seriously or who has no friends or ability to influence people typically is left in the background, even though he or she may have very good ideas and very good personal qualities to bring to the table. So, though this game is complicated, how can it be mastered?

The first thing to have is respect for one's self as a worthwhile person. People who get themselves straight inside and who are happy simply to be alive are set up the best because once one respects him or her self, he or she is able to respect others. If one lacks the ability to respect him or her self, he or she also lacks the ability to respect others. Respecting one's self can take a long time to learn if one has not been taught to do so by his or her parents, but it certainly can be learned.

Once one respects him or herself, the primary thing to do is to respect others. Respecting others means talking to them kindly, disagreeing politely when necessary, and acknowledging them as people who are equal to one's self. One who puts himself above others and is arrogant can quickly lose the respect of others (although there seem to be ways to make up for this), and one who puts him or her self below others almost assuredly loses their respect. The other important point to remember is that one has to respect others all the same. One must not treat others who have a potential to help one better than those who do not; other people notice this and become jealous of the person receiving special treatment and resentful of the person that is treating them well. The guiding rule here is to talk to everyone and simply treat them all the same.

Besides respecting others as people, it is important to have a sense of confidence in one's self. Confidence radiates naturally to others in life, and while confidence can be difficult to learn for the first time, it is nonetheless very effective and important to learn if one expects to be able to win friends and influence people. Confidence naturally attracts others and lack of confidence naturally fails to attract others; face it, people just want to be around those that are confident. Confidence can be learned and built, so one need not worry if he or she is lacking in confidence at this point.

The next three qualities one should have if he or she expects to have friends and influence people is honesty, integrity, and a sense of fairness. People naturally respect all of these qualities in others, as they make life much easier. A relationship where two people are honest with one another breeds security and trust; a lack of security and trust means the relationship is doomed to fail at some point. Integrity can be one huge way that people are attracted. A person who can be counted on to do the right thing when no one is looking is someone everyone wants around them, even people who might completely lack integrity themselves. Having a sense of fairness also attracts people; most people are used to life being unfair, seeing certain others get away with things they should not, and a person who is able to stand strong and do the fair thing is someone everyone respects.

The next quality to have is compassion. Compassion goes a very long way in winning friends because people know that when they need someone to listen to them with an open ear, they can go to this person without fear of rejection. This also breeds security and trust, the grounds for a successful relationship.

The final quality that can really seal the deal is a sense of humor. Having a sense of humor makes life easier, happier, and more interesting, and this is what helps to distract people from the grind of daily life and from their own personal stresses. A sense of humor, however, should never be used against others. This will breed hate and the development of enemies and adversarial relationships.

No one person has a perfect amount of these qualities, and some people believe that by using gimmicks and "secret techniques" they can jump to the head of the pack. This seems to be true, but in reality it is not. People see right through gimmicks and can spot others that use them, whom they usually term to be "phonies."

In sum, when one works on developing these qualities in his or her life, he or she can guarantee some level of success in winning friends and influencing people. Having only one of these qualities is helpful, but it is the person who has the most balanced approach that combines all these factors that maximizes his or her chances to be successful at making friends and influencing people.