How to Win the Oscar Pool Without Watching Any of the Movies

Neither do I. But do you at least remember a time when the Best Picture nominees measured the cultural pulse of the Nation? Who was not inspired by Rocky? Who could refuse the dramatic offerings of The Godfather? Who could passively resist Gandhi?

Yet, what has film making brought us in recent years? Gay cowboys and a paraplegic female boxer who would rather bite off her own tongue and die rather than buck up and attend community college in a wheelchair.

Since the motion pictures have, in my humble opinion, taken a downturn, I have given up on watching them. This year, I have viewed only three (non-erotic) films. Rest assured, I have selected the ones that are the highest quality: The Queen, United 93, and Disney/Pixar's Cars.

Yet, despite this handicap, I still plan on winning the Oscar pool we have going at the office. Even though I have no idea what most of these movies are about, I've got a lock on most of the categories. Allow me to share my critical commentary and predictions, and in this way you will learn how to pick the Oscar winners without having to waste your valuable time sitting through these bleak, oh-so-serious films...

BEST ACTOR:

First of all, let me start by explaining who will not be winning:

LOSER: Peter O'Toole. Why? Mainly because the Academy takes a sick pleasure in teasing this old man. Every danced or so, they dangle a nomination in front of this well-preserved (I.e. drunken) Brit, only to give him the royal smack-down by denying him the actual trophy. Do you recall the infamous implied sodomy scene from Lawrence of Arabia? Well, emotionally, that's what happens to O'Toole every Oscar night.

LOSER: Ryan Grosling won't get it because no one knows who the hell he is. He's the star of Half Nelson. (I'm glad to see they've apparently nominated a film about professional wrestling, especially after the Nacho Libre snub!)

LOSER: Leonrado Dicaprio will not win. Voters are still annoyed that his character Jack from the Titanic wouldn't make that Rose biotch scoot over and share that floating chunk of furniture. "My heart will go on" my ass!

LOSER: Will Smith. I've heard it's the most touching performance of the year, but the Academy won't award a movie with a misspelling in the title. (Example: Boyz in the Hood, Zero Oscars. Pet Sematary, Zero Oscars.)

WINNER: Forest Whitaker. Again, I know nothing about this movie. but based upon the title, I'm guessing it's the sequel to Braveheart, an Oscar favorite! And since this talented actor also directed the classic romantic comedy Hope Floats, he is sure to win!

BEST ACTRESS:

This category has been ruined as of late due to the fact that glamorous, beautiful women (namely Charlize Theron) ugly themselves up and then steal the juicy roles away from truly homely actresses. Outrageously unfair!

LOSER: Penelope Cruz. Because the liberal media disapproves of smoking in films, Ms. Cruz will not win. Does she use tobacco in the movie? I don't think so, but she's absolutely smokin' hot!!!! Hola senorita!

LOSER: Meryl Streep. Her contract with Satan proclaims that she'll be nominated at least five times a decade. That's the only reason why she's on this list. (Note to self, reschedule my Thursday appointment with the Dark Lord.)

LOSER: Judi Dench and Kate Winslet. Didn't these two play the same character in some depressing British film about some manic poet? And now here they are pitted against one another. Sorry ladies, this year you are out-Britished by none other than....

WINNER: Helen Mirren. This is one of the few roles in which this English silver-haired vixen keeps her clothes on. (Much to the chagrin of yours truly! I want my $(.50 back, damn it!) She'll win because of her sophisticated performance... And because her victory will really piss off Peter O'Toole. Just listen as she walks down the aisle and he shouts: "Hey, why doesn't she get snubbed like me?! She was in Caligula too!!!!"

SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Shame on the Academy for not nominating Tony Blair! I haven't been so incensed since last years snub of Joseph McCarthy!

LOSER: Jackie Earle Haley. If the Academy lets him win, it will be a triumph for all child molesters around the globe. Is that what you want??? Is it???

LOSER: Eddie Murphy. Sure it might be an acclaimed performance. But it doesn't make up for: Pluto Nash, Harlem Nights, Best Defense, A Vampire in Brooklyn, and need I say Norbitt? The list could go on, but I'll be merciful. Besides, why nominate him now. He should have gotten the award for Donkey.

LOSER: Mark Walhberg. Sure, he's become a great actor. But remember Marky Mark? Remember???? What if Walhberg wins, and then bolstered by his triumph, he decides to return to his rappin' roots. Do the hip-hop culture a favor and keep this man humble. (Plus, I am very jealous of this individual after watching the final scene in Boogie Nights. this young man has quite an endowment, and I'm not talking about the National Foundation for the Arts.)

LOSER: Djimon Housonou... Dijon Honolulu... Jdimono... Ugh! It's the Give-Us-Free guy from Amistad. He's not gonna win simply because his name is too hard to pronounce, spell and even look at.

WINNER: Alan Arkin. When in doubt, go with the old man who hasn't won yet. Unless it's Peter O'Toole.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

This is sometimes a tricky category. Usually an upcoming starlet walks away with this award, and then once she does, her career drifts into mediocrity. (Think Mira Sorvino, Marisa Tomei and let's not forget sexy Linda Hunt.)

LOSER: Cate Blanchette. She already won when she channeled Hepburn's ghost. She doesn't need another Oscar. And again, do we want to reward actors for sensitively portraying sex offender? (Although... if I was a student... and she were my teacher I'd... well, I digress...)

LOSER: Adriana Barraza. Who???

LOSER: Rinko Kikuchi. Huh???

LOSER: Abigail Breslin. The Academy likes to nominate kids once in a while, but rarely gives them he Oscar. (Note to Oscar Security: Please keep Miss Breslin far away from Jack Earle Haley.)

WINNER: Jennifer Hudson. She's about the right age, attractive, up-and-coming. Just ripe for Hollywood to bring her forth into the spotlight and destroy her in the not so distant future. Plus, her name is very easy to pronounce.

Those are my predictions so far, folks. I'll be completing the rest of my list in two more installments! Until then, farewell movie-goers!