How to Write Children's Books

Have you ever wanted to write children's books? You're not alone. Millions of people have thought about making a quick buck on the kid-lit market. Just look at J.K. Rowling. Almost overnight, she went from selling her body for crumpet money to living in a solid gold mansion and using the Queen as a human spittoon. And you can do the same. So read this handy-dandy guide to writing children's books and then get cracking.

Choosing a Genre

First, choose a genre. The most important consideration when choosing a genre is merchandising. Mystery, for instance, offers very few merchandising opportunities. Did you own any Hardy Boys action figures or vehicles or playsets as a kid? I didn't think so. Fantasy and science fiction, on the other hand, offer lots of merchandising opportunities. Better yet, combine different genres to maximize your book's merchandising potential: tell the story of a little boy and his pet robot who travel back in time to rescue an alien princess from a dungeon guarded by ninjas, pirates, and a talking dragon. Swish.

Brainstorming

Next, brainstorm. And by "brainstorm," I mean "steal stuff." Did J.K. Rowling invent magic? Or wands, pointy hats, and broomsticks? Or elves, trolls, and dragons? Or anything else in Harry Potter's world? Of course not. So learn from her example and steal until you can't steal anymore. Don't worry about lawsuits, either. If your book doesn't sell, no one will care. But if it does sell, your publisher will surround you with a phalanx of murderous corporate lawyers who subsist on the blood of baby birds and who will kill, stuff, and mount anyone foolish enough to sue you for plagiarism.

Character Development

Once you've brainstormed enough ideas to prop up a book, it's time to develop some characters. Who are they? Where did they come from? What do they want? What will they do to get it? To what, if anything, are they allergic? And so on.

Readers should be able to identify with your characters. For instance, orphans can identify with Harry Potter, sissies who are afraid of spiders can identify with Ron Weasley, girls with no female friends for some reason can identify with Hermione Granger, and kids who lost their noses in fan accidents can identify with Lord Voldemort, especially if they're also freakishly tall and pale. Better throw in a fatty, too. Fat kids read.

Storytime

Once you've fleshed out some characters, it's time to slap together a story. Every story needs a beginning (where you introduce the characters and the world in which they live), a middle (where the characters come into conflict), and an end (where you resolve nothing and lay the groundwork for the first of many sequels).

Your story should be as compelling as possible. One way to make your story compelling is to include a mystery so tantalizing that readers will slog through chapter after chapter of your stiff, unoriginal prose to see it resolved. A better and lazier way is to include a character so annoying that readers will stick it out hoping to see him or her die a painful, humiliating, and drawn-out death. Case in point: Draco Malfoy. Seriously, Rowling, that little twat needs to die.

And the Moral Is...

Finally, tack on a morale. Morals help parents pretend that reading their children flaky stories about magical fruits and talking animals makes them good parents. As a children's author, it's your job to hook them up.

Fortunately, coming up with a moral is easy. First, think back to the lessons you learned in high school that define you to this day: the importance of fitting in; the importance of money and material possessions; the importance of growing up and leaving childish things behind. Next, take one of those lessons, turn it upside down, and voila, you have a moral, e.g.: it's okay to be different; money isn't important, it's friends that count; magic is real if you believe. Parents eat that crap up.

The End

Just like that, you're done. That wasn't so hard, was it? Not as hard as working for a living, that's for sure. Now get writing and keep writing. If you succeed, you could end up snorting the pulverized bones of Mahatma Gandhi off the hood of a vintage Aston Martin right alongside J.K. Rowling. Of course, if you fail, you could end up selling your self-published book out of the trunk of your car at productions of SpongeBob SquarePants on Ice. But you'll never know unless you try.

Tips

Avoid touchy subjects, especially sex. Today's parents like to prepare their children for sexuality by pretending, for as long as possible, that humans reproduce asexually by spores or something. That way, when their children enter junior high, they can discover sex, alcohol, and birth control all at once, which seems to be a winning combination.

It's much better to show character development than to describe it. Instead of saying "Neville is a retard," actually show Neville agonizing over whether to spend his allowance on CSI: The Board Game or The Apprentice: The Board Game. Neville's actions will convey his retardation more effectively than anything else.

It's okay to make your story scary, but not too scary. Don't include anything that will give children nightmares or scar them for life. Having your soul sucked out by Dementors, for instance, is scary, but not too scary because it could never actually happen. Being gang-banged by stinking hoboes, on the other hand, is SCARY. Exercise good judgment.

When you're done, polish what you've written to a brilliant shine. You'll only get one chance to make a good impression on prospective publishers, so make the most of it. Run spell check at least twice, and do a manual search for 'red flag' words like "cock" and "abortion" that might have slipped through, just in case.