How to Write Right

Whenever people get together and talk about great writers, one of the names you will often hear mentioned is mine-especially if you're in the same room with me and I'm saying things like, "That Frank Mucci guy is a great writer!" or "You know who's a great writer? Frank Mucci!" or "I'm sorry sir. I didn't know she was your wife!" Not that being one of the greatest writers in the world makes me special or anything. It's my looks and personality that make me special-the writing is just gravy.

But along with greatness comes the burden of having to make sure everyone knows about it. What good is being better than everyone else at something if they aren't made aware of that fact? When Joe Average Citizen is trying to write an important piece of correspondence-say, a suicide note-and he's struggling for the right words-for instance, "You drove me to this, you cheating slut!"-I want him to throw down his pen in anger and shout, "If I could only be just like Frank Mucci, I'd be a great writer and I could express my feelings! Plus I'd have a reason to live because my looks and personality would make me special and this stupid suicide note wouldn't even be necessary."

One way I can show the world just what a great writer I am is by sharing my vast knowledge of writing. I believe it's a sin to be blessed with something special and not share it with the world. That's why I've always considered prostitution a noble profession. But I'm no prostitute-you get everything I have to offer free of charge! Plus you don't have to worry about contracting any sexually transmitted diseases! (Although one of my readers has developed genital herpes and blames me. The case is in litigation.)

So here for your consumption are a number of tips on writing from one of the world's greatest writers. After reading these important tips, you'll have everything you need to write a suicide note you can be proud of. And once you realize you can write, you won't even want to commit suicide anymore. Just think of it as my little way of saving lives.

#1: Find your voice.

Writers always say you have to "find your voice." I don't know what the hell they mean, but I figure it must be pretty damn important so we'll make it number one.

#2: Write what you know.

Writers harp on this one too, and it seems pretty obvious. Stick to what you know, otherwise you'll end up having to make up crap like, say, writing about places you've never actually visited or little known facts about important moments in American history. Be careful! Astute readers will see through your little game and you will lose all credibility.

#3: Use propper spelling and grammer is vary important!

Rember: Readers will judge you're intellectuableness on how well you spelt the words and grammetize the words. if it ain't write" they'll will Say what a idiot and stop reeding you're stuff?

#4. Dumb it down.

Studies have shown most people are stupid. Avoid multisyllabic words and use simple concepts. If you start talking about the confluences of idiosyncratic microorganisms during the metazoan period or some boring shit like that, you'll lose your readers in a heartbeat. Write about sex, booze, drugs, teenage vampires, that kind of crap and you'll have them hooked. Include lots of pictures of drunken college girls in bikinis and I guarantee, I'll read it-or at least look at the pictures.

#5: Use lots of em-dashes!

I love em-dashes! In case you don't know what an em-dash is, it is when in the middle of a sentence-like this one here-you find a long dash followed by a sentence-like the one that says "like this one here"-which is followed by another long dash-long dashes look like this: (-)-and then the rest of the original sentence. In other words, it's a sentence within a sentence. This happens when a writer thinks of something that's semi-related to-and usually more interesting than-the original sentence and throws it in the middle. Here's an example:

My best friend and neighbor Bob-I once felt up his wife in a broom closet at a New Year's Eve party-owns the complete DVD collection of Star Trek videos.

Because I used em-dashes, not only have you learned the central point that my friend Bob is a bit of a geek, you've also learned his wife is kind of slutty and I'm not much of a friend.

#6. Stay on point.

Nothing loses a reader like a writer with a short attention span. Avoid going off point and rambling on about something completely unrelated to the original topic. No really, I felt her up in a broom closet! Nice rack. Broad wanted it bad too, know what I mean? She wanted it big time. By staying on point, you will hold your reader's attention and...what was I saying?

There you have them: six tips on how to be a great writer. Now sit down and get working on that note.

And don't forget to include the pics of drunken college girls in bikinis.