How to Write Right, Episode 6: Attack of the Killer C Cups!

I know I promised I was done with this series, but every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

By "they" I mean college girls in bikinis and by "pull me back in" I mean make me want to post more pictures of college girls in bikinis.

And who among us doesn't think pictures of college girls in bikinis play a vital role in making writing far more interesting for readers? Besides straight women and gay men, I mean.

So in keeping with my never-ending quest to give my readers (straight men and lesbians) what they crave, I bring yet another edition of my award-winning series on how to write right, cleverly titled How to Write Right--a series no less an authority than legendary writer Hunter S. Thompson probably would have loved had he not blown his brains out a few years ago.

Sure, I hear some of you: "Frank, what the hell do pictures of college girls in bikinis have to do with writing? Hell, those girls probably can't even read!"

First of all, let's turn to an expert. Here, from the award-winning series How to Write Right--a series no less an authority than yours truly deems "award-winning"--comes this little tip on how to attract readers:

Studies have shown most people are stupid. Avoid multisyllabic words and use simple concepts. If you start talking about the confluences of idiosyncratic microorganisms during the metazoan period or some boring shit like that, you'll lose your readers in a heartbeat. Write about sex, booze, drugs, teenage vampires, that kind of crap and you'll have them hooked. Include lots of pictures of drunken college girls in bikinis and I guarantee, I'll read it--or at least look at the pictures.

There it is in black-and-white! Who am I to argue with an expert?

Secondly, not only can those girls read, but the one on the right is in fact a writer! I know this because listed in her own handwriting on the backside of her Playboy centerfold are her turn-ons and turn-offs. That's right, she wrote them--girl's a genius, I tell ya! By the way, one of her turn-offs is back hair, so boys, you'd better get out the hot wax if you ever hope to snag a date with this cute, little bookworm.

Now that I have thoroughly explained the important role pictures of college girls in bikinis play in the world of writing, let's get on to the real purpose of this article: publishing something with words so that I can include a picture of college girls in bikinis.

In this episode of my award-winning series How to Write Right, we'll take a look at metaphors and similes or as I like to call them, penises and vaginas. In other words, they are similar, but quite different.

Metaphor (Penis)

A metaphor is a comparison in which the key word is "is."

With that in mind, here is an example of a metaphor:

Rick Perry is a penis.

What we are saying here is that the governor of Texas is a penis--which, of course, is true.

Simile (Vagina)

A simile is a comparison in which the key phrase is "is like."

Now for an example of a simile:

Michele Bachmann is like a vagina.

See the difference? We're saying that the congresswoman from Minnesota is similar to, but not exactly the same as, a vagina.

That pretty much covers it. And at more than 600 words, I think we can officially call this sucker done.

Now girls, line up. It's show time!