How to Write Right, Episode III: Revenge of the Punctuation Marks

Well I think if I've taught you anything in the first two editions of my award-winning series, How to Write Right, it's that college girls in bikinis are fun to look at. But you've learned lots of other stuff too. For instance, you can never have too many pictures of college girls in bikinis. I think there was other junk too, but it slips my mind right now.

Anyway, the feedback from the second edition of my award-winning series, How to Write Right was once again positive. But I did receive one message that helped me see that I had not covered everything in the world of writing:

"The same girls again? In the same bikinis?"

That's when I realized it was time for me to present the third edition of my award-winning series, How to Write Right. Here we will learn all about punctuation-an aspect of writing so important, I was inspired to post a photo of a whole new collection of college girls in bikinis.

Author's Note: I realize you're just here for the college girls in bikinis, but as part of my contractual agreement with the publishers of my award-winning series, How to Write Right, I have to come up with some crap about punctuation. Bear with me.

Colon (:)

As modern medical science has taught us, colons are God's way of saying, "Once you reach the age of 50, Doctors will insist on sticking things up your ass."

But in the world of punctuation, colons are a writer's way of saying, "Hey stupid, this is what I'm talking about."

Example: Example: Blah, blah, blah...

Above is an example of an example. In the example within the example, a colon is used to let the reader know that an example of what is being explained will follow. In this case, "Blah, blah, blah..." which is Latin for "Once you reach the age of 50, Doctors will insist on sticking things up your ass."

Colons are also used for other important crap, for instance to introduce a series or list.

Example: Doctor Reams reviewed the list of instruments he would need to examine Herman's colon: lubricant, pliers, clamps, blowtorch, and jackhammer.

Semi-Colon (;)

Nobody knows what semi-colons are used for. I just throw them in occasionally for their natural aesthetic beauty.

Example: ; (ain't it pretty?)

Comma (,)

When you get right down to it, a comma is really a semi-semi-colon-but not nearly as pleasing to the eye.

Example: , (not so pretty)

For more on commas and semi-colons, please visit a web site that explains them in detail.

Period (.)

As any married man will tell you, a period is that joyous time each month when his wife is fully capable of killing him with a potato peeler.

A period also signifies the end of a sentence.

Example: For murdering her husband Jasper with a potato peeler, Yolanda will be doing time until the year 2045.

Question Mark (?)

What, you're asking me?

Apostrophe (')

The word apostrophe comes from the Greek "apostrophos," meaning "a Greek word meaning the little thingie that designates possession."

Example: Kevin's little thingie nearly shriveled when the officer told him he was being charged with possession.

Quotes ("")

Quotes are those cute, little twin thingies that appear before and after a word, phrase, or sentence. Their job is to designate words presented exactly as they were spoken or written.

Example: Tiffany turned to Scott and, pulling her blouse up above her head, squealed, "Check out my cute, little twin thingies!"

Parentheses (( ))

Think of parentheses as the little voices in your head.

Example: As he chopped the onions with his big, sharp butcher's knife, Howard tried to ignore the little voices in his head (Kill her! Kill the bitch!), while Maggie droned on-and-on about how her sister's husband never once forgot their anniversary.

Exclamation Point (!)

An exclamation point tells a reader, "I'm excited!"

Example: The results came back from the paternity test and I'm not the one who knocked up the stupid bitch!

But be careful. Too many exclamation points are as obvious as fake orgasms and your female readers will be onto your little game in a heartbeat. (Don't worry about your male readers-we wouldn't know a fake exclamation point if it his us in the face.)

So save your exclamation points for the real deal. Don't be tossing them around like a wife playing her idiot husband for a new diamond for Christmas. I rarely use exclamation points unless I am truly excited about something. In fact, if I use one, you can be pretty sure I'm having an orgasm.

Hold on a sec... (!)