How to Write Right, Episode IV: The Final Chapter

And by "the people," I mean a guy who goes by the name "Snake69," and by "spoken," I mean "emailed."

Like you, I had thought that my comprehensive, award-winning 3-part series on How to Write Right was complete. But thanks to the following email, I have been motivated to come up with yet a fourth and final chapter to what Stephen King calls "the most comprehensive, award-winning 3-part series on How to Write Right I've ever had the pleasure of reading. No really, I mean it! His editor will probably claim that Frank made up this quote and that I don't know him from Adam, but really I know the guy and I indeed think his comprehensive, award-winning 3-part series on How to Write Right is absolutely fabulous! He's my favorite writer."

[Editor's note: Do I really have to say it?]

Anyway, here's the email I received from one of my many fans:

Dude, I'm jonesin' 4 bikini chicks. Do more of that right right shit.
Snake69

As you can see, some of my readers just can't get enough of my amazing insight into the ins-and-outs of writing. So as a service to Snake69 , Stephen King, and mankind, I bring you three final tips on how to crank out the kind of copy that will have your readers begging for more pictures of chicks in bikinis.

Tip #1 - Don't censor yourself

There are plenty of folks out there who believe God put them on this planet to decide what is and isn't acceptable for others to read. These people are known as "pains-in-the-ass." Well I say let's make those pains-in-the-ass do their jobs. Say what you want to say the way you want to say it! Don't fall prey to their nonsense and settle for using phrases like "the f-word" or "the c-word." Here's an example of what I mean:

Censored: Hernando wants to the f-word Guadalupe's the c-word.

See how awkward and clumsy that is? We can't even tell exactly what it is Hernando wants to do.

Uncensored: Hernando wants to frost Guadalupe's cupcakes.

The uncensored sentence doesn't beat around the bush. We now know that Hernando has an apparent weakness for baked goods. Me? I'd be banging the chick like she was a screen door on a windy day-but hey, that's me.

Tip # 2 - Spice it up!

There are a couple ways to cook up a pot of chili. You can make it mild and safe so your little tummy doesn't get all gassy and uncomfortable, or you can crank it up with lots of hot spices until flames are shooting from your bunghole. And that's what you're looking for-you want your writing to be the equivalent of a napalm enema. If after reading your work, your readers aren't bleeding from the ass, you haven't done your job.

Here's an example of the kind of bland shit you'll get for dinner at a nursing home:

Upon seeing Agnes for the first time, Homer felt an immediate attraction to her lovely figure as well as disapproval from his jealous wife.

OK, we get it. Homer thinks Agnes is swell and the old ball-and-chain ain't happy about it. But who gives a crap?

Now let's add some of our special ingredients, mix it up, and see what we get.

Jake nearly salivated onto the floor at the sight of Tiffany's enormous, undulating tits spilling out of her tight, black dress as she sauntered by. Turning, he took in her fabulous, heart-shaped ass swinging back-and-forth in a hypnotic, "hop-on-board" manner that made his crotch feel like it had been drenched in kerosene and set ablaze. As he imagined the incredible fun he could have playing "fill the cream donut" with a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde like Tiffany, Jake's trance was broken by a sadly familiar, angry whisper in his ear from the bitchy shrew he has called his wife for 10 humorless years. "If you don't stop drooling over that home-wrecking, syphilis-infested skank, I will Lorena-Bobbit that little midget you have hanging between your legs so fast, you'll be squatting to piss the rest of your miserable, pathetic life!"

Now that, my friends, is what you call spicing it up! You want to read on, don't you? You want to know if Jake ignores the old battleaxe and ultimately ends up spending the rest of his life crankless. Or maybe he nails Tiffany, then winds up with a bad case of crabs, or worse yet, knocks up the little slut.

Tip #3 - Draw on personal experience

If you're like me, your life provides a virtual fount of ideas from which to create interesting and exciting articles. I do it all the time-in fact nearly everything I write is based upon my own life experiences. So don't be afraid to let your readers in on that New Year's Eve when you got so sloppy drunk, you thought you were feeling up your wife's sister in the laundry room and you were like, "Oh Shannon, I've wanted you since the first day I saw you..." and it turned out it wasn't your sister-in-law you were feeling up-it was your wife! And she was all, "What did you just call me?" and then there was a loud "Thud!" and you didn't regain consciousness until, like late March. And remember that day you thought you were having one of those dreams where you go to work naked and then it turned out you weren't dreaming at all, and so you got fired and ended up losing your house and had to live on the streets, strung out on crack and surviving as a male prostitute? Or the time you had to go to the emergency room to have a Rubik's Cube removed from your nether regions. Holy crap, that hurt!

The point is, don't let moments like that get away without sharing them with the world.

Now if you don't mind, I've had a lot of beer and I'm gonna go squat and take a piss.