How to Write Right, Episode V: The Quest for a Shake Weight

I know what you're thinking: Hey, we thought you were done with this crap!

So did I. I really did, but then I took a look at my PayPal account and realized I'm only about five bucks (roughly 3,000 page views to those of us who web-write for a living) away from having enough dough to buy that Shake Weight I've been seeing advertised so often on TV.

"I gotta get me one of those!" I exclaimed the first time I saw those sexy, smiling women with their hands wrapped around Shake Weights relentlessly jerking away. But then my wife explained to me that I can't have any of those lovely young ladies, so I decided to lower my sights and get a Shake Weight instead. "Hmm," I thought, "maybe if I buy one of those, the ladies will just voluntarily appear at my door."

Then my wife, who apparently is psychic or something, said, "And don't think for a minute that if you buy one of those stupid things those hot girls are just gonna voluntarily appear at your door-because they won't!"

"Honey," I responded. "I just want to get one so I can build up my muscles and be even half as attractive to you as you are to me."

Whew! Dodged a bullet there.

But as you can see, I need some fast bucks, and, as Hollywood has shown us, the best way to make quick cash is to take your most popular work and do a sequel. It doesn't matter if the sequel is a piece of crap because people are generally stupid and that's what I'm counting on here.

So without any further ado, I bring you the fifth and final (at least until I find something else I've just gotta have) edition of my award-winning How to Write Right series where I will count down my five best tips from the previous four editions of my award-winning How to Write Right series. Just think of this as my way of using some previously published material from my award-winning How to Write Right series, republishing it, piling up those coveted page views, buying a Shake Weight, and finding sexy, smiling young ladies voluntarily appearing at my door.

#5 Best tip from my award-winning How to Write Right series - Drink a lot of booze and smoke a lot of dope.

Writing is always more difficult when you have thoughts swimming around in your head:

Gotta remember to pick up the kids from school.

Did I pay the mortgage?

How can I explain to my husband that he needs to be tested for syphilis?

Who among us hasn't been burdened by thoughts like those? A clean slate is what you need, and nothing clears the mind more effectively than killing off a few hundred brain cells. Let the kids figure out a way to get home-they have thumbs, don't they? You, my dear, have writing to do!

#4 Best tip from my award-winning How to Write Right series - Don't censor yourself

There are plenty of folks out there who believe God put them on this planet to decide what is and isn't acceptable for others to read. These people are known as "pains-in-the-ass." Well I say let's make those pains-in-the-ass do their jobs. Say what you want to say the way you want to say it! Don't fall prey to their nonsense and settle for using phrases like "the f-word" or "the c-word." Here's an example of what I mean:

Censored: Hernando wants to the f-word Guadalupe's the c-word.

See how awkward and clumsy that is? We can't even tell exactly what it is Hernando wants to do.

Uncensored: Hernando wants to frost Guadalupe's cupcakes.

The uncensored sentence doesn't beat around the bush. We now know that Hernando has an apparent weakness for baked goods. Me? I'd be banging the chick like she was a screen door on a windy day-but hey, that's me.

#3 Best tip from my award-winning How to Write Right series - Use active voice, not passive.

Most people don't understand the difference between active voice and passive voice. Here's an example:

Active: Tiffany, the hot, 21-year-old, blonde stripper, actively flung her g-string across the room.

Passive: The girdle was thrown passively across the room by Myrtle, the 300 pound, 80-year-old, liver-spotted stripper.

See the difference? The active voice paints a much better picture, don't you think?

#2 Best tip from my award-winning How to Write Right series - Quotes ("")

Quotes are those cute, little twin thingies that appear before and after a word, phrase, or sentence. Their job is to designate words presented exactly as they were spoken or written.

Example: Tiffany turned to Scott and, pulling her blouse up above her head, squealed, "Check out my cute, little twin thingies!"

#1 Best tip from my award-winning How to Write Right series - Dumb it down.

Studies have shown most people are stupid. Avoid multisyllabic words and use simple concepts. If you start talking about the confluences of idiosyncratic microorganisms during the metazoan period or some boring shit like that, you'll lose your readers in a heartbeat. Write about sex, booze, drugs, teenage vampires, that kind of crap and you'll have them hooked. Include lots of pictures of drunken college girls in bikinis and I guarantee, I'll read it-or at least look at the pictures.