How to Write Right, the Sequel: Return of the Drunken College Girls in Bikinis

As the buzz finally begins to subside over my critically acclaimed article How to Write Right, I find myself inundated with thousands of e-mails, letters, telegrams, phone calls, messages delivered via carrier pigeon, and one note attached to a rock that shattered my living room window, all coming from readers like you wanting more, more, more!

Critically acclaimed you ask? Just check these out:

MickeysBigMouth: "The girls in bikinis was purty darn good!"

Mike Oberg: "You had me as soon as the picture came into view-you sure know your writing shit!"

Richard Spall: "Outstanding-and I mean those pictures of drunken college girls in bikinis."

Peter Flom: "It was the girls in bikinis that did it."

MickeysBigMouth (Again!): "I have a chubby."

Talk about satisfied customers! Let me tell you folks, the only other place you're gonna find praise like that is on the back of a Girls Gone Wild video case!

Well my friends, the people have spoken, so here, picking up where we left off in the critically acclaimed How to Write Right, are writing tips 7 through 13-tips that are sure to take up some space on this page and get my word count up to a respectable number.

#7. Get your word count up to a respectable number.

There's no bigger turnoff for a reader than to open up an article only to find it is little more than a couple of short paragraphs. I mean, what's the point? How informative can it be? Increase that word count and fill up that space! Expound on important points-even repeat them over and over to make sure the reader understands how important they are. Let me say that again. Expound on important points-even repeat them over and over to make sure the reader understands how important they are. And for my Spanish-speaking friends: Exponer sobre puntos importantes-incluso repetir una y otra vez para asegurarse de que el lector entiende cuán importante son.

#8. Cite tons of statistics.

Nothing impresses readers more than lots of statistics. In fact, recent studies have shown that 93% of Americans are intimidated by simple math-in other words, they're stupid-and 100% of stupid people will never know that the statistics you cite are pulled completely out of your ass. So go to it! Make up statistics and sound smart. Take it from me-it works 100% of the time. (Note: margin of error is +/- 4%)

#9. Read.

Unless you aspire to someday be a misunderestimated president or something like that, you should probably read. Reading will provide you with insight into how other writers ply their craft. If not for my many years of avidly reading each issue of Big Boob Mamas magazine, I probably wouldn't be the writer I am today.

#10. Drink a lot of booze and smoke a lot of dope.

Writing is always more difficult when you have thoughts swimming around in your head:

Gotta remember to pick up the kids from school.

Did I pay the mortgage?

How can I explain to my husband that he needs to be tested for syphilis?

Who among us hasn't been burdened by thoughts like those? A clean slate is what you need, and nothing clears the mind more effectively than killing off a few hundred brain cells. Let the kids figure out a way to get home-they have thumbs, don't they? You, my dear, have writing to do!

#11. Write in the nude.

When you're sitting at the keyboard trying to be creative, a complete feeling of freedom will allow you to knock down walls and let your mind go places you never thought possible. Clothes are confining and represent our puritanical society's desire to keep you under wraps. Shed those threads and let it all hang out! Guys, let the boys roam free! Ladies, send me pictures!

#12. Use active voice, not passive.

Most people don't understand the difference between active voice and passive voice. Here's an example:

Active: Tiffany, the hot, 21-year-old, blonde stripper, actively flung her g-string across the room.

Passive: The girdle was thrown passively across the room by Myrtle, the 300 pound, 80-year-old, liver-spotted stripper.

See the difference? The active voice paints a much better picture, don't you think?

#13. Check your word count.

I'm at 726 words right now. That should be plenty.