How to Make Zero Dollars a Year Writing (and Not Get Published)

The definitive guide write in total obscurity for the rest of your life, with an empty bank account.

Doubt yourself. Question the voice inside you that says, "You should be writing." What makes you think you have anything to say? When a friend or family member encourages your passion or praises your talent, don't listen. Turn up the volume on self-doubt, which is always whispering, "Give it up. You'll never be able to write like so-and-so. Just keep your day job and call it a life."

Always call writing a "hobby." By definition, anything you do for money is a job. Jobs are not always fun, because sometimes you have to do them when you don't want to. Hobbies are always fun, because you only do them when you want to - or whenever you're able to fit them into your busy schedule. So put writing alongside tennis, playing the guitar and crocheting in that neat little space in the closet of your memory, behind the door that says, "Things I wish I had more time for."

Take the feedback of loved ones to heart. When critiquing your work, friends and family generally have little concern with or knowledge about important editorial and publishing considerations such as craft or marketability. As such, their judgment about your manuscript's preparedness for publication is almost always questionable and clouded by love, loyalty and consideration for your feelings. When your spouse, child or buddy says to you, "I'd buy this," immediately ship the manuscript off to your agent or editor of choice. And don't worry about the coffee stains; just attach a note explaining that it was critiqued over lunch (and that you paid the tab).

Nonce bitten, ever shy. Never query magazines or submit manuscripts for publication. Why? Because rejection is bad. It hurts. Some writerly self-help articles will try to convince you that the process of submission brings the greatest reward, not the outcome. Poppycock! Rejection is bad. It hurts. And so to avoid it, hold your manuscript nearly and dearly.

Guidelines, schmidelines. If you disregard the prior rule and dare to submit your work, then be dogged enough to do it on your own terms. Convince yourself that you are a delicate genius who should not be subject to trivial details such as submission deadlines and guidelines. And then convince the editor, agent or publisher of the same. Above all, let your submission be a true expression of who you are. Send it in a font size, color and type that capture the essence your personality as a writer. Be yourself!

No networks. At all costs, avoid other writers, editors and publishing professionals. Many of them are kind and friendly people who share your passion and are willing to offer valuable feedback and guidance to up-and-comers. This type of encouragement is dangerous and should be wholly ignored (refer to tip #1). Writer's groups and conferences, book clubs, bookstores, libraries and any other places frequented by writers are all strictly off limits.

Don't follow up. If you ignore the prior rule and make contact with others in the industry, store all the useful information they give you in your short-term memory. This way, it will be lost and forgotten in about twenty seconds. File useful handouts and notes among the endless drafts of your magnum opus, where you are sure to never find them. Place business cards in a dusty old cigar box and use them to clean your nails when you have writer's block (and be sure to place the card in the trash as soon as you're finished, lest you be tempted to dial the number.) This rule also applies to query letters (which, as previously mentioned, you should never send).

Write for free. Don't do it for the money, stupid! Your time is not valuable at all! Writing isn't your professional skill - it's your hobby, remember? So go ahead, send your work to those obscure websites that pay nothing. Submit to those "contests" that publish your work in an "anthology." Shell out the $39.95 for your very own copy of your very own work in print. Your great grandchildren will be pleased to find out what a sucker their ancestor was.

Don't write. This is the simplest and easiest way to make zero dollars a year writing (and not get published), but it is also the must overlooked. That's the biggest problem with aspiring writers: they never listen.