How-to Make Consequence and Reward Jars

Whenever I mention the Consequences Jar or the Rewards Jar, I usually get questions about what that is. After enough requests and provided explanations, here is an informative How-to for this discipline and reward style of parenting that can be used and adapted for your family.

The Consequences Jar was the first on the scene after an exhaustive marathon of insufficient punishments stretching over several years. Time Out, Toy Take-away, Grounding, Delayed Dinner were among that many types of discipline that did nothing to match rule-breaking with a punishment that provided a lesson while building character. When my middle child asked me if I was just picking punishments at random, I took it to heart and actually considered that the perfect solution. Let them pick punishments at random as consequences for rule breaking!

The slips of paper inside the Consequences Jar contain a punishment, or consequence, which is drawn by the child at random and promptly done. If the child refuses to do the consequence, the child would draw an additional consequence. Consequences include tasks like, "Clean Bathrooms", "Sweep Outside Walkways", "Donate a minimum of 5 Items to Charity", and "Write 100 Words on Forgiveness". While children should have cleaning chores to contribute to the household, there is value in doing these chores as a consequence because the task might not need to be done (ie. you may have swept the Kitchen floors moments earlier) and nothing else can be done until the consequence is completed.

Most favorably, the Consequences Jar removes the emotional hurt that a child feels when a parent has to calculate a proportional punishment to the rule breaking and spares the parent any argumentative appeals and pleas for reconsideration. Children know what the rules are and they know the consequence they draw is what they must do. The little lawyers no longer have a judge with whom they can argue their case so there is no protest, no problem.

The Consequences Jar must be age appropriate. It is important that the parent not have to assist the child in completing the consequence, thereby transforming the punishment into a positive time-shared experience. Parent assistance is necessary for teaching young children that their basic chores aren't punishments, so having to help them with a consequence really achieves the opposite result. It is best to designate a set consequence or short list of consequences that work for an individual young child until he or she is old enough to participate in the consequences drawn from the Consequences Jar.

The Rewards Jar was born out of the realization that I didn't like having only one jar for rule breaking. I wanted to provide them with the same system that was full of positive feedback for showing initiative, leadership, kindness, and other outstanding behavior. More slips of paper were cut and folded and placed into another pickle jar. Rewards include treats like, "Everybody Does Your Chores Week", "Write and Publish a Real Book", "Your Choice Movie on Next Family Movie Night" and "Get One New Toy Coupon".

Rewards do not substitute for Celebrations. Celebrations include birthdays, holidays and other special events, like the end of a sports season or after a performance in a band concert, where everybody celebrates, anyway. A reward can be provided for showing initiative to help a younger sibling with homework or a craft project.

There are more rewards than there are consequences because rewards are more fun. It is best to keep the children focused on looking for ways to do well instead of merely trying to stay out of trouble.

It is crucial to the success of these methods to use the Consequences Jar for rule breaking and the Rewards Jar for outstanding behavior, never allowing rule breaking to deprive a child of an earned Reward, or likewise, allowing a Reward to remove a Consequence. The allow to undermine the other will reduce the effectiveness of both, if not eliminate the effectiveness of both altogether.