Human / Cat Interaction: You Can't Talk With Your Kitty, But You Can Be a Better Listener

For those cat lovers amongst us this article is not really meant for you, but for the many well meaning people who do not understand proper cat etiquette nor how to speak the complex language of the four legged little people we love. This primer should help anyone understand rudimentary cat behavior as well as speak some basic words in their simple, but difficult to understand at times language.

1. Cat meow's at you in a pitch that can shatter crystal goblets.
Loosely this translates as "Servant I demand sustenance, Now." While you may choose to ignore this command, it is hardly ever safe to do so as there is no piece of furniture or other piece of material you own that is above violation by the cat should his or her wish not be granted. At times the cat will sit and look at you with patient suffering written on their face until you move, other times they may crawl all over you until you succomb to their demands. In either case it is not safe to ignore this command for long.

2. Cat stares at you for no discernable reason.
This is done to remind you of your place in their world. Namely "slave". Few can endure under the gaze of the cat for very long, as it seems that cats have long ago won the world mammal convention for the staring contest. Quickly guess what it is that you may do to please the cat into averting it's unerving eyes from you and then scurry away to take out your soul and inspect it making sure it is still intact after the gaze of the cat has fallen upon it.

3. Cat bites you after you pet it.
This is done to inform you that your petting technique leaves much to be desired. As each cat has a different way in which they need to be petted, this can sometimes be hazardous to undertake in any circumstance. Consult the cat's servant on proper petting technique for this particular cat before attempting to pet a strange cat, and always start gently stroking with the fur not against it.

4. Cat charges around your abode for no particular reason
This is to let you know that while you may pay the rent/mortgage, supply the food, clean up, and otherwise maintain the living quarters, the cat truly owns the abode. The charging around is to let you know that while rules such as "don't jump on the furniture" and "no running in the house" may apply to the servants and their children they do not in any circumstance apply to the cat.

5. Cat repeatedly finds something noisy to "play" with.
A favorite in this category is venetion blinds, but anything that makes significant racket will do. This is done to let you know you have overslept and while the cat understands that good help is hard to find these days, he will not tolerate laziness (in his servants). It matters not if it is four in the morning on a Saturday the cat insists you wake up now, even if the cat has no particular need of your services. As a servant your place is to be reminded at all times, not just when service is necessary.

6. Cat lies on top of you kneading you with it's paws
This is a two fold behavior. First it is the cat's way of you declaring you to be it's personal servant and worthy of serving as a bed for it, a high honour in the cat's mind. Second it is to remind you that you are in fact capable of falling victim to it's natural retractable weapons and should accept the position of being a bed without protest.

Here are some basic forms of "Pidgen Cat" that suffices as the language between cats and their servants.

1. Bath
This is one of the few English words understood by all cats everywhere, expect upon the utterance of this word to not be able to locate your cat for at least three days. Cat's are masters of disappearance, and while sometimes you may find your cat tucked neatly underneath your sofa cushions, or on the top shelf above your refrigerator, touching your cat under these circumstances invariably leads to a trip to your local trauma center. Best never to utter this word around cats.

2. Clucking
A noise made by sucking in your cheeks and clicking your tongue. This informs a cat that you have a desire to pet it, and it may then allow you the privilege. While it does not work in every circumstance, often, if a cat feels gracious enough it will reward you with allowing you to have the honour of providing it with attention.

3. Snapping your fingers at the Cat
This lets the cat know that you have temporarily flipped your wits and that they should exit your presence until your mind returns. Cat's are very forgiving of this usually, but may sometimes exact their revenge some hours later by jumping off something high onto your sleeping form causing you to awake screaming. After all, whether or not you were temporarily insane, it does no good to allow a servant to forget their place, and certainly it was no fault of the cat that you happened to let your wits slip.

There are many other ways in which Cats communicate with people, but these basics should put the uninitiated in good stead to at least survive a few hours around unfamiliar cats. As for those of us who are owned by cats, we know in our hearts that despite their foibles, and without any rational explanation, our little masters do give us an odd sense of peace in the world. I will make no attempt to explain why Cat Lovers love cats, indeed the above would indicate no reason exists, but for all that they do make fine, if demanding, additions to our families, indeed they do.