Human Civilization Slated for Doom Upon Release of "Epic Movie" Trailer

HIGH STARVOX COMMAND, OUTER REGIONS, MILKY WAY GALAXY -- Admiral K'tang Volk still remembers the first time Emperor Kh'ranthuk, Legion-Commander of the Galactic Barbarians of Szehlfwar, spoke to him.

"The intercom beeped, and I answered it," recalled the military man with a smile, his green skin wrinkling into a hideous smile. "All he said was, 'Proceed with the invasion of the Earth. They are in need of structure."

As it turns out, the turning point in the aliens' decision to invade the Earth and subjugate humanity into slavery came upon a viewing of a trailer for the upcoming Regency Entertainment film "Epic Movie".

"It's just abundantly clear that the human race is too docile and stupid to take care of itself," explained one alien as he prepared a mind-ray to zap unsuspecting humanoids into peaceful submission. "They're the ones who pay for these movies. They brought this upon themselves. If people are willing to lay down eight bucks to see this movie, they'll gladly work in the salt mines for their new alien overlords."

"As soon as I heard that overused cat-meow sound effect in that dumb scene where all that stuff falls out of the wardrobe," said Emperor Kh'ranthuk in a pre-recorded statement, "I knew this was going to be an easy planet to take."

"Look at these slobs," said Assistant Xenotechnologist Hrk'gaaan. "They don't understand that you can't just recreate a scene and stick people in the costumes and expect it to be funny. The public has been so starved for decent parody films that they confuse reference for commentary. Pathetic."

Citing the trailer as evidence that humans were no longer interested in thinking about what they saw, he explained, "We've determined that if people can laugh at someone dressed up like Paris Hilton just for the sake of her being there, they won't miss their freedom if we tell them they're happy every so often."

With only hours to go until human civilization is enslaved by superior beings, local moviegoer Ted McGorran of Elgin, IL, told reporters he was looking forward to the scene in "Epic Movie" where Superman gets shot in the eye, mimicking the trailer for "Superman Returns", only something mildly amusing happens after the rehash of the shot. "Either that or the scene where they have snakes on a plane. Just like 'Snakes on a Plane'. That's genius," he said, before submitting to an organ probe at the hands of two vicious beings from worlds beyond.