Humiliating Your Computer

Most modern computers come equipped to play solitaire and a few games of chance. But if you really want to humiliate your computer (and you know you do) you should beat it in a cerebral game like chess.

Chess is a very ancient game. Some historians believe that it may have gotten its start way back in the early 1960's. The theory is that Russians invented the game in an attempt to embarrass western intellectuals into sending a man to the moon.

Russians continue to be intimidating chess players. Back in the 1990's a Russian named Gary Kasparov played a match against a super-computer named Deep Purple. The computer seemed to be dominating until near the end of the game. Then Kasparov made a move that no computer could dream of making; he got up, walked home and drank vodka. So Russians can be fun to play chess against too. Statistically though, people in San Miguel County are 3.7 times more likely to have a computer around the house than a Russian.

First, you should know a little about the game. The chessboard itself, ironically, has a checkerboard pattern. Also, there are several pieces on a typical chessboard. There is a piece called the King, because, like so many actual kings in history, it has a lot of prestige but it rarely does anything useful. There is a Queen who goes wherever she wants and everyone is afraid of her. There are bishops and castles and horses. The black horses are called nights. There are also little guys called prawns that are mostly just in the way.

You should also know a little about computers. Like one time, my computer took his horse and made it jump right over one of his other pieces. When I tried to do that with my bishop he said it was against the rules. What I'm trying to say is that computers cheat. But it is the computer's game board, so you really can't do anything about it.

The only other tip I have for you is that the computer has no heart. Inside a computer is nothing but cold vacuum tubes and spinning wheels. It will take any move that gives it the slightest advantage. Don't even try any psychological maneuvers. I've tried to look full of self -doubt and worry when it makes a good move so it will feel sorry for me. That used to always work on my Dad. Or sometimes I chuckle derisively as though the computer is falling into my elaborate trap. That chuckle always unnerves my son. But the computer is immune to all such tricks. So have fun using these hints to beat your computer at chess. If it cheats too much do not be afraid to use Kasparov's last move. Computers never see that one coming.