Humor: Men's Room Etiquette

Since I believe that education is the key to removing barriers between people, no matter what said barriers may be, I have bravely chosen to put my membership in the man club at risk. In an attempt to help everyone better understand the men in their lives, I will now reveal a few of the most carefully guarded secrets of mandom, by addressing the often misunderstood topic of men's room etiquette.

Of course, I realize that this noble and selfless effort will probably go unrecognized and unrewarded until long after I am dead and gone, but I will not be deterred. I'm used to being unappreciated; I am a man, after all. But if I can successfully impart this knowledge to even one person, then my job is done; my sacrifice won't have been in vain!

Learning proper etiquette at the urinal has become a proud tradition, lovingly passed down from father to son. It begins as soon as one is old enough walk into a public men's room. For years, men have been trained from boyhood to strictly observe an unwritten, but vitally important set of guidelines which govern the use of our porcelain pal. Below, you will find a brief but concise explanation of the rules that must be adhered to. Before proceeding, however, the uninitiated should be warned that failure to comply with each and every rule can often have disastrous results, so please study them carefully.

The first rule is: no eye contact. For your own safety, please keep your eyes forward at all times; nobody likes a peeker. Besides, peeking can sometimes lead to severe insecurities requiring years of expensive therapy, so play it safe; don't look!

The next rule that should be observed is spacing. The privacy of your fellow restroom patrons is of utmost importance! Please ensure that their is adequate distance between you and the other urinal users. When in doubt, it is wise to use the "boy-urinal-boy-urinal" technique as a rule of thumb. However, there are some instances when the restroom is too crowded to allow for proper spacing. When you encounter this problem, it is best to make your way to the stalls and use a traditional toilet.

Also, a controlled stream is very much appreciated; please make sure to aim carefully and remain stationary throughout the entire process. Always keep in mind that sloppy technique not only creates a bad experience for you, but for all who enter after you as well, so please observe common courtesy. Most importantly, please remember to carefully shake; we all know that dribbling leads to embarrassment later!

Another thing that should be noted is that even though it is not prohibited in every case, conversation is not wise...unless, of course, you enjoy having insults hurled at you that would make Richard Pryor blush! Most consider it disturbing and awkward at this very vulnerable moment, and it will almost always earn you their wrath. If you simply must engage in conversation, it is best to wait until your fellow urinal user has stepped away to the sinks to wash his hands. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this; for example, if the person next to you is a VERY good friend with whom you are comfortable and have had a long history, conversation may come easier. Generally, however, it should be avoided whenever possible.

And last but not least, please...I implore you, if you have a shred of decency in your soul, do not talk on your mobile phone while using the urinal. Contrary to what some guys seem to think, taking a whiz should never be a shared experience; that's just entirely too weird! Heck, even if you put the weirdness factor aside, cell phones in the restroom are still a hazard. Of course, knowing most guys, they won't believe that until they have looked down to find that their beloved Blackberry is quickly being washed out to sea, while the poor confused person on the other end of the line helplessly gurgles up at them that they can't understand what is being said!

Well, I think that just about covers everything. Now, I offer you the chance to take the knowledge that I have given you, and put it to use. Go forth, my fellow urinal users; carry these wise words out into all the world, and make every public restroom a safe and happy place for all humanity!