I Am Alpha

Darkness. It took the longest time for me to register that I could see the darkness. For a moment I wondered if I was still alive, but it occurred to me that the dead couldn't see. Not even the darkness.

It was everywhere. I had this horrible feeling of being weighed down by it, choking on the inky smell of black. I couldn't avoid it. I would die in the most inconceivable way ever, being smothered by nothing at all.

"Well, hello," the darkness greeted me and for a moment I thought I was surely hallucinating.

"H-hello?" I answered feebly.

"What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting anyone,"

"I--." It occurred to me that I didn't know why I was here, or even where exactly here was. I had no memories at all to account for where I had been or where I was going. I couldn't even scare up a name to identify myself. Did I even exist at all? "I guess I'm lost," was all I could manage to say.

"That's okay. It's always nice to have someone to play with, however they got here."

Before I could say anything else, a light flickered in the darkness and I squeezed my eyes closed. Slowly, I peeled open the lids, fighting to see in the flickering glow of candlelight. The darkness fell back in a circle around us like I had somehow betrayed it.

Standing before me was a small child, not more than four feet tall and barely eight years old. His hair was long and tangled and his clothes were torn and slightly dirty. But when I saw him I looked up to him and I realized that, all this time, I had been kneeling without even knowing it. Perhaps it was the proper pose, but my knees were starting to ache and I pushed myself to my feet.

"What's your name?" the boy asked, flashing a grin with a front tooth missing.

"I'm-not sure," I admitted, slightly embarrassed by the fact. It wasn't every day that people just randomly forget everything about themselves.

"That's okay. Sometimes people forget important things." The boy had already begun playing in the darkness, spinning slowly in circles and causing the light to flicker and bob with his movements.

"What's your name?"

"Mine?" He stopped moving and frowned slightly like he had never been asked that before. "I'm Alpha," he said after a moment's pause. "Will you play a game with me?"

I had never been big on playing, especially faced with the current situation. How could anyone suggest games at a time like this?

As if sensing my doubt, he added, "Unless you've got something important to do."

Of course I had something important to do! Or I thought I did. Did I?

"No, I have time to play," I finally decided. It wasn't like there was much else I could do. There was no one else around.

"Oh, goodie!" He hopped up and down a few times and I feared he would blow out the candle. The last thing I wanted was to be surrounded again by the shadows that loomed around us. "Let's play then. And if you win, I'll give you a really nice present! I've got one especially for you!"

Before I could ask what he meant, Alpha grabbed my hand and, shouting "Let's go!", dragged me along with childish delight. Though he was easily a foot and a half shorter than me, he ran almost quicker than I could keep up with. I had no idea where we were going, but watching him laugh at the idea of playing made me smile even though there wasn't really anything to smile about.

After a few minutes he stopped and set the candle down on the ground in front of us. It was loose dirt and I noticed we kicked up more with every step. No wonder he was so dirty. Looking down, my clothes, too, were covered in a thin layer of filth.

"Let's play. I'll ask you a question and you get to answer it! If you get enough right, I'll give you this gift I have for you."

"What kinds of questions?" This didn't sound like a particularly fun game to me, but he seemed adamant about it, so I couldn't really resist.

Alpha put his finger on his nose and winked as he said, "Let me ask the questions, okay? It's no fun the other way around."

I nodded and he crossed his arms, rubbing his chin slowly as he thought of a question.

"Ok, I got it. Question one: Black or white?"

"What?"

"Black or white?"

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. No one ever does, but please don't make me explain it." His smile quickly turned into a pout and he furrowed his brow as he added, "I'm so tired of explaining everything. Just do your best. Black or white?"

I still had no idea what he meant, but I knew I wouldn't vote for black, if that's what it was. There was too much of that here and I was starting to hate it. But, at the same time, I couldn't leave the black behind. I felt such a connection to the shadows that formed the only memories I still harbored. White was out of the question.

"Gray," I finally announced after a moment.

"Aww, that's cheating!" Alpha announced, crossing his arms like he was going to pout. Still, he laughed and his gray eyes lit up with pleasure as he continued, "This time just answer the question."

"Left or right?"

Again, I didn't really understand the question. I didn't particularly favor either and I still had no idea what he was looking for in an answer.

"Both," I quickly responded.

For a moment I thought he would argue, but instead he just shrugged and hopped up on top of a nearby rock, balancing on the very peak of it like he was an acrobat.

"If you could do anything, what would you do?"

Being that I couldn't remember anything, I was stumped. Was there something I should be wanting to do? Or something I should do? There was a gnawing in the depths of my heart that told me I was forgetting something important, but I didn't know what it was. Or who it was.

"I'd want to remember," I said aloud without really realizing it. It was the most honest answer I could give, though.

"Even if it hurt you?"

I felt naked, standing there in the light without a memory to claim. Not knowing who I was. Not knowing where I was from or what I should be doing. Were there people out there missing me? Should I be missing someone?

"Yes," I whispered. "Even if it was the worst pain imaginable."

Alpha laughed, the sound bouncing off of the walls I couldn't quite see and so didn't know existed. "This is fun! I haven't had answers like this in a while. Oh, I've got a good one for you. Does God exist?"

"Yes. Wait-no. Who's God?"

At first I thought he would be mad, but he sat down on his rock and laughed until he ended up rolling off it. By the time he pushed himself back into a sitting position, cross-legged on the ground, tears were creating streams along the dirt on his face.

"You're funny. But I forgot you don't remember, do you?"

I shook my head meekly. He hadn't answered my question. Who was this God that he spoke of? The name felt familiar on my tongue, like deja-vu when you're certain you've never experienced the present before.

"If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? And the answer can't be the same as one you've already given!"

"I guess...I would want to see." I looked around the room we were in. I didn't know anything about where we were. I couldn't see any definable characteristics. It was all just black. "I want to be able to see more than just the darkness or light. There's got to be more than that, but if there is I haven't seen it before."

"Seeing isn't everything, you know. What happened if you couldn't see at all?"

"You mean if I were blind?"

He nodded and started doodling in the dirt in front of him.

"Then I'd want to feel. I guess that's the next best thing. I'd want to be able to feel the things around me. Not just physically, either, but to sense them, too."

Alpha smiled a big grin, exposing several missing teeth. "I've got good news! You've almost won. One more question. If you get it right, I promise I'll give you your present."

"My present?"

"I promise it's a good one! I swear!"

Alpha moved a few inches closer to me and looked up at me. I couldn't tell him no, so I nodded my head to show he had my permission to continue.

"Great!" He quickly darted back and jumped back on top of the rock so he would be about the same height as me. "Alright, the last question is....what is your name?"

"You already asked that. I told you I don't remember."

"But try. You can't give up that easy!"

As exasperating as it was, I tried to remember and came up with nothing. After several minutes I still didn't know who I was any more than I had and the only result was that I was more and more frustrated. I was just about to tell him so when a word popped into my head. It was a strange word, but for some reason it sounded right.

"Rae. My name is Lilianah Rae."

"And a pretty name it is!"

"You knew all along, didn't you?"

"Of course," Alpha beamed, playing with an over-the-shoulder pouch that hung across his chest and rested against his left hip.

"Why didn't you tell me to begin with?"

"That would've ruined the game! Then you wouldn't have played with me!"

I was going to argue, but he did have a point. If he had told me I would've wandered off to...wherever. Even I don't know where I would have ended up or what I would do there. Maybe I would be more lost than now. At least I had found myself.

"And, like I promised, I have a gift for you!"

Alpha rummaged in his pack with both hands and pulled them back out, cupped together. Slowly, he opened them, exposing a small, glowing tree. It was lush and green and looked like it should have been over fifty feet tall, but it was only five inches or so.

"This is your present."

"What is it?"

"The greatest gift of all.,,,life."

As he said the last word, everything faded from sight and I was surrounded by the darkness again. I was surrounded by nothing. I cried out and I was surprised to hear my own voice echo back, along with voices around me.

Life. I remembered that. Barely. Vaguely. Like a dream. And also Death. That was there, too. But that wasn't me. Not anymore. What was my name back then? Did it matter? I remembered the pain. I remembered the loss. But I remembered the love.

Most importantly, I was alive again. That was truly the greatest gift of all.