I Am a Lesbian: Now What?

I can still remember when it first crossed my mind. I was a little girl with scabby knees and wild hair, in my neighbor's yard digging up worms to feed some frogs I had captured. Now, I'm not really sure why I thought that frogs ate worms, but that's beside the point.

I was digging up the worms, and I was really getting into it. Dirt caked under my fingernails as I pulled them out one by one. Then, all of the sudden, like a ton of bricks, it hit me.

I was a lesbian.

Oftentimes, people think that the discovery of homosexuality is a process. For me, that was not the case. I went from a happy kid digging up worms to force feed a frog to a young lady with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I was all of six.

I sucked it up and continued on with my worm excavating. Still, it nagged at me, and my shoulders sank a bit and I nibbled on my bottom lip.

A lesbian? Surely not. What would everyone think? What would my family think?

Now, a six year old doesn't know much about sex or sexuality. I wasn't thinking of being with girls. I just for some reason realized that was my destiny. I was going to grow up, and forgo the husband and go with my heart and biology instead. I was indeed a lesbian.

The knowledge of my sexuality weighed heavily on me through the years. I eventually grew into an awkward, somewhat mouthy eighteen year old. I went off to college in hopes of finally getting to be who I was.

Of course, part of who I was involved my sexuality. I thought that while away at school, I would be able to get down with my inner gay. Unfortunately, that was not exactly the case.

I went to school, everything was fine, and then one night I was at a party. It was a great party. The keg was tapped and the beer was flowing. I was getting pretty intoxicated when I started talking to this girl. We'd met a couple of times in the past, and were pretty decent acquaintances. That night, at that party, she put the moves on me.

Good for me, you might think. Finally, I was going to get some experience with an actual woman. But alas, things are never quite that simple.

To put it mildly, I flipped out.

Totally, completely, freaked.

I left the party quickly. I went back to my dorm and did some deep breathing. Was I ready to take this leap? It was huge. It was bigger than I could ever imagine.

Most of all, it was who I was.

I never saw that girl again. I think I had probably embarrassed her, to which I feel terrible about. She was so nice, and didn't deserve the windfall of my self loathing. I would love to find her and let her know that she helped me get past a horrible hurdle in my life that was keeping me from growing and being happy.

Acknowledging homosexuality and accepting it are two different things. I had acknowledged it years before, outside digging up worms. Then I had pushed it to the back of my mind, to avoid dealing with the burden.

Acceptance came much later. It was not something anyone could give me; it was a peace I had to find within myself. I could not gain personal acceptance based on my parents' or friends' views. As corny as it may sound, it was something I had to find within myself. I had to dig up the shame that I had buried so far down inside of myself and confront it in order for the shame to turn into pride.

Finally, years later, at the age of 28, I met a wonderful woman. I finally knew what it meant to find a soul mate. She was truly mine. We dated for awhile, and eventually moved in together.

By finally allowing myself to find true happiness, I was able to accept my position in this world. I am a lesbian. I am happy with that. I have met the most wonderful person I could possibly ever be with, and I am thankful every day for that.

I get up in the morning, I go to work, I pay my bills, I vote in elections, I have wonderful friends and family, and I am a lesbian. It does not make me less of a person, just as it does not make me more of a person. It simply makes me a person. We are all individuals. We are not sheep following a herd. We each have different qualities and skills that make us unique. That is part of our genetic makeup. I cannot wait for the moment when we can all, across the board, realize that sexuality is just a part of a person, not the whole person, and it is not a part that should be judged.