I Am Not Brave

I am not brave! Many of you know me as a one legged fat man with a positive attitude. OK most days that is true. Today I am scared like never before. Perhaps in writing this I can get a hold on my fear. The acronym for fear is "Face Everything And Recover" or F**k Everything And Run"...which is best for this?

I have been told by many doctors that most folks that lose a leg from infection, within a year or less, lose the other leg. My amputation was in 2006 so I thought I had dogged the bullet. Today the Queen Goddess did her daily inspection of my foot. She found an open sore between my toes and it has the stink of Gangrene. I don't know what God has planed for me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle another amputation. We see the Doctor later today.

My training has taught me to not pray for healing but only to ask God for the courage and strength to follow His will. I do not fear death because I have been promised a better life after I have finished this one. I fear living without feet. How will I ever run from the negativity of this world without feet? How will I kick myself in the butt without feet? Will I be able to handle two prosthesis?

I have spent most of this day crying like a baby. I keep saying I'm done crying and yet the tears continue to come. I know I must end this poor me party before it kills me. I know nothing for certain till I speak with the Doctor and yet I am fearing the worse is inevitable... My AA Sponsor has repeated to me once again this morning. "Plan for the worse but expect the best" I hear the words with my head but my heart won't believe them.

I do believe that "When I feel this is the worse thing that could happen to a nice guy like me" I am wrong. I know God has a better plan and He hasn't told me what it is yet... I sure wish He'd hurry up this time. I know, I know "This too will pass just what am I going to do in the mean time..."

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, The Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. And hurry up please! Mizpah ;-}}>