I Am a Writing Whore

In case you haven't noticed, I've been publishing fewer articles here on Associated Content than I had in the past. This is because, quite frankly, I make very little dinero writing for the old Mother Ship and so, like a pimp, I've had to prostitute myself out to other content providers. This will help me pull in a few extra bucks and finally have enough money to buy the final season of the Gilligan's Island video collection-if you know whether or not the dumbasses ever find their way off the island, please don't ruin it for me and just keep it to yourself!

Don't get me wrong, I love AC, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, which is usually fart, but in this case is to look out for his own best interests. Yes farting is sometimes in a man's best interests-especially after eating "a burrito the size of your face" and downing a couple 32-ounce Corona's at Guillermo's Mexican Hacienda-but that's not gonna make him any richer, and that's what I'm trying to do.

When I first started out writing on the internet, I saw it as an outlet for the crazies who have been using my head as a meeting place for more than five decades. I loved-and still do-having the opportunity to be creative and allow anyone dumb enough to be amused by my musings to step inside my world free of charge. It was fun and I felt like a real, live Dr. Frankenstein magically bringing dead brain cells to life. It's alive! It's alive! It's alive! But, alas (I think this is the first time I've ever used the word "alas" in my writings. I'm a regular William Fucking Shakespeare!) I receive little compensation for my efforts. A penny here and a penny there just ain't gonna get me 30 more episodes of Ginger's bodacious tatas and Mary Ann's extremely short shorts (BTW, I'm a Mary Ann guy. Always been a sucker for the girl next door.).

Despite the compensation, I really hate writing the cookie-cutter articles I have to churn out for a few up-front bucks. As much fun as they may sound, writing top 10 lists of actresses who have posed nude for Playboy, the hottest Olympic gold medalists of all time, and the sexiest wives of professional athletes can get pretty mind-numbing. Sure, you'd think that kind of stuff would be right up the alley of a perv like me, but unless I can write in first person and make up crap-like about the time I nailed Lindsey Vonn on a snow bank while she wore nothing but her gold medal-it's just not fun. Facts don't interest me folks.

To break away from the grind of researching articles (Seriously. Researching? Can you believe it? I never research shit!) I sit down and bang out crap like this. Enlightening? No. Entertaining? Maybe. Therapeutic? You betcha! But profitable? Not a freakin' chance. Nobody's Googling articles about "Transvestite Vegans" or "Ladies with Fat Asses"-unless, of course, they're looking for a date to the annual Moose Lodge hoedown-so AC is my escape from structure and guidelines and all that other crap I hate so much.

Here's an example from one of my past articles of how AC lets me escape from structure and guidelines: "The astronaut with the big green penis jumped in his rocket and flew to Venus."

That preceded the sentence: "Five fat women with enormous asses are responsible for emitting greenhouse gasses."

That kind of crap isn't gonna earn me or anybody else any money-and it shouldn't!-but it's damn fun shit to write.

So yes, it's true: I'm a writing whore. The money is coming in from the boring stuff I'm writing at other sites. Boring, monotonous crap that, apparently, morons somewhere are desperate to learn all about. And I feel dirty writing it, I feel like I'm cheating on my regular readers and cheating on myself. And when I'm done writing that awful stuff, I feel like I need a hot shower.

Maybe a shower with Lindsey Vonn.