I Apply for a Job as an Astronaut!

As I did a bit of star-gazing the other night I realized that there is more to life than fluffing around with canvas and paint. What I needed was a bit more ambition in life.But what? It is obvious that the US doesn't need another woman-candidate, Hillary is managing fine on her own. Perhaps I wasn't even aiming high enough with that. And I don't think the money a President earns is enough for all the headaches he/she gets. No, I wanted something easier, and good money.

Since time is precious at my age I decided to read up on several articles, previously missed because my mind had been on all those unimportant things that take up daily life. One article stood out:" NASA announces New Astronaut Hiring for Those with the Right Stuff" by Barefoot. I decided to apply at this belated hour and after grabbing my qualifications I headed to Houston.

A man with a huge mustache greeted me in his somewhat small office. I looked around, and had expected a bit more high-tech here. But no solar-panels were warming the office; instead he had to make do with an ordinary oil-heater. Books were lining the wall and a replica of Rodin's "Penseur" in the corner, his by now dislocated disks frozen in time. As I was just falling into one of my more philosophical moods he woke me up with a booming voice.

"Your passport is no longer valid, and you think you can travel into Space?" he asked me. This was an oversight on my part. "But do you need one then?" I asked. It appeared I didn't, it was the sloppy attitude they don't like there at NASA. As he went through my various diplomas, like "Macrame a basket in 2 hours" and "Learn how to fix a bicycle the easy way" he started smiling. I took that as a good sign.

"Mrs. eh Picasso, how many flight hours do you actually have?" he said. "Oh, I have flown everywhere,it must be thousands of hours, I hardly walk these days.I'm very fond of flying and I always take all the food they offer me, no matter the time-zone." He was starting to look puzzled. I looked at him. No wonder he was stuck in this office and not in a Space shuttle.

"And how is your sense of direction, like reading a map?" I had to admit that I was not particulary good at that. "I'm sorry, I am already completely lost the moment I leave my driveway; sometimes a neighbor sees me driving around and has to bring me home. Would that be a huge obstacle to become an astronaut then? I mean, it is nothing like driving a car." He fully agreed with that. "But do you have any technical background, any at all?" He asked me with a hopeful face. "Well, not really, but nothing that a couple of night-classes wouldn't cure. I think I have plenty of talent in that area, it just needs to be developed. I fixed our lawnmower once and hooked up the phone. And glueing back all those panels if they come lose won't be a huge problem; I know how to use sealant." I said. He started sweating.

"How is your general health, what kind of sports do you play?" He looked at my athletic figure. "Me? I don't need any exercise, I'm very fit for someone who doesn't do a thing all day long".I replied. He sighed. That made him a bit jealous I think. He, by the looks of things, was in desperate need of a bit of exercise. I decided, that the moment they took me on I would advise him on such matters.

By now he looked as if he were in great pain. "Would you like to see a real Astronaut-suit?" he asked. I nodded eagerly. Now we were getting somewhere. The first suit looked big and was not my favorite color. I mentioned that and asked him who had voted for that horrible orange. The next one was even bigger but a flattering white, so as that folks at home could see me at work from Planet Earth. My family always likes to watch me at work while they sit on the couch, and me being in Space wouldn't make any difference. They only had to look out the window to see me slaving away.

But then I looked at that helmet and at the visor in particular. Here was something missing. I was amazed that nobody had ever complained about this oversight. "Where is that hole where you put your cigarette in?" I heard a "Thonk". I looked down. He had fainted. And I didn't get the job.

Note from author: All of the above is utter nonsense and should be read as such, except the article written by Barefoot, which really excists and contains genuine info on how to become an Astronaut.