I Ate the Peanut Butter!

Uh-oh! I ate the peanut butter! I just completed my noon snack with my favorite sandwich. Yep, you guessed it - it was made with Peter Pan peanut butter. I leaned forward to catch every word and watched the news announce that it had caused a number of people to be hospitalized with salmonella poisoning and then ran to the pantry to check to check and see if my delicious peanut butter contained a number on the lid with 2111 at the beginning. I cautiously opened the pantry as if any sudden move might make the peanut butter explode and contaminate the whole house. I reached in and gingerly grasped the jar and looked at the array of numbers on the lid. I wondered what do those numbers really mean anyway? There it was! A 2 followed by three ones. Oh God! Over 60 years of dodging the grim reaper and now my fate is being determined by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Honey" I yelled, "I ate the peanut butter!"

"What are you talking about?" she replied.

The words were jumbled as I tried to explain what had just occurred. Sweat began to form on my brow and I felt a little woozy as I informed her about my impending doom.

"I told you that stuff was not good for you. It gums up your intestines, that's why I never eat that stuff," she said.

Just then I felt a twinge in my stomach and was certain the little microbes were already multiplying in my intestines with a celebratory orgy of delight. "But honey, I might die!"

"Oh, you won't die," she replied. "You might just have a little diarrhea, but that probably will be good as that gut of yours is really beginning to show. Besides you'll just have to wait and see if that particular jar contained salmonella."

"Perhaps we should call 911 and have me taken to the hospital," I enjoined.

"You'll be fine," she said, "Didn't you eat that peanut butter yesterday and the day before that?"

"Hmm, let me think," I said. "Of course I eat peanut butter every day."

"Well, did you feel ok this morning"?

"I think so - but my stomach has been a little twitchy and I seem to have a little gas."

"You always have gas," she replied. "If that was a sign of food poisoning, you'd have been dead years ago."

It was plain to me that my wife of over 35 years did not share my concerns. I walked into the den to sit down and contemplate my fate. Crazy thoughts entered my mind. She did just ask me about our life insurance, I wonder if she has plotted my demise. After all, she did buy the peanut butter. No, she loves me, - I think. Just then I heard a small gurgle in my stomach and it exited. Smells like peanut butter, I thought as I settled into my chair.

So here I sit, awaiting what the future has in store for me. I hope I go quick. God! This is awful, I need to calm down. Oh well, I think I'll have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.