I Have a Binge Eating Disorder

"My name is Olivia and I'm a binge eater." Somehow, that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as being an alcoholic or drug addict, but it's just as much a real eating disorder as bulimia or anorexic. Since I'm not a size 0 (or even a size 6), my friends probably don't think that I'm starving myself, but I've never shared with them the full details of my binge eating. disorder

I've been trying to figure it out where this compulsion to binge eat came from and I've come up with two theories. My first guess is that it has something to do with my childhood and the associations I have with going out to eat. My family didn't have a lot of money, so eating out was definitely a big treat. We'd only do it for special occasions and it was the one time where everyone stopped arguing and generally just had a good time. Because we didn't get to do it very often, there was something in the back of my mind always saying that maybe I should eat more, because maybe we wouldn't be able to eat out for a long time if there was no money.

The second reason I think I became disposed to developing binge eating disorder was that as a child, I was trying to protect myself. I've never been a skinny, gangly kid. I took after the rest of the women in family and was soft and curvy. I started puberty very early, so by the time I was in fourth grade I looked at least two or three years older than I actually was. As a result, I remember men who would pretend to accidentally brush by me in store aisles. Or they would follow me in their cars while I was walking around my house, whistling and making lewd comments. Being that young, I didn't realize what jerks these guys were. Instead, I felt like there was something wrong with me for looking like a young woman instead of a kid. Subconsciously, I think maybe I overate knowing I'd gain weight and maybe hoping that would make older men pay less attention to me.

That brings me back to my binge eating. In front of friends, I definitely have a bigger appetite than they do. While some of them will leave half of their food behind, I feel uncomfortable not fishing all the food on my plate. Sometimes, I'll even finish theirs. But that's the extent of my public bing eating. The bad part of it happens when I'm alone.

My weakness is junk food. The anonymity and cheap price of it lets me get away with binge eating. What would a typical binge eating day might have looked like during my worst period? Let's say I had a horrible fight with a friend on the phone. I would be upset and then jump in my car, driving out to the nearest fast food restaurant. I would probably sit there and eat a combo meal (burger, fries, soda) plus order another hamburger. Even though I'd be full, I'd still have that awful upset feeling that hadn't gone away. So maybe on my way back home I'd stop at another drive through and pick up another burger and some mozzarella sticks. Then I'd get home, feeling much too full. Realizing how many calories I ate and how detrimental that is to losing weight, I'd start feeling disgusted with myself for not having willpower and being gross. Then I would wish I could make myself throw it up, but knowing that I wasn't able to, I'd hate myself even more for not being able to be bulimic. At the end of all of this, I'd feel worse off than when I started. Then the cycle might continue the next day.

There are so many shameful memories of my binge eating period. I remember once devouring practically an entire large pizza because it was there . I remember trying to pretend I was ordering food for two people while I knew it was really all for me. Then there was the time that I stayed at my best friend's house, who only cooked very healthy meals and ate small portions. After a couple of days, I couldn't wait to get fast food. I lied to her and asked to borrow her car because I needed to go to to the store, but instead I headed straight to the Wendy's drive-through. Most of all, I remember all the nights I would just cry and cry because I didn't want to be like this anymore, I just wanted to be normal and I couldn't.

Nowadays, I wouldn't say that I have my addiction under control, but it's getting better. I don't order enough food for two people anymore, but junk food still has its hold over me. Almost every day for dinner, I'll go through the drive through and order a burger, two tacos and maybe some fries. This might not seem like very much for a guy, but for a girl that needs to lose weight, it's definitely overboard. And the thing with being a binge eater is that sometimes it's not about the quantity of food, it's about the feelings behind it. I can be at a friend's barbecue and eat a hamburger, two hot dogs, potato chips, ice cream, etc. But I'll enjoy it and maybe slightly regret it a little bit after I'm too full. I know it's my eating disorder kicking in when I start feeling panicky that there won't be enough food, that people might notice I'm eating too much, or when I keep eating even after I know I'm going to feel ashamed and guilty afterward.

In a world where there's a restaurant on every corner, overcoming this eating disorder isn't easy, but there's always hope. I know that someday soon my eating will be under control.