I Deserted My Wife on Garage-Sales Day

Today is the biannual community garage sale. It's the one time of the year when husbands in my community are volunteered into spring cleaning-garage, attic, and the house in general. Getting rid of the clutter, that's the goal. That entire honey-do list left in your brief case with little hearts, and xoxo's. There are the reminders on the fridge every time you look for a snack. That's cruel and inhuman treatment. Men are so susceptible when they're hungry. We do sometimes say "yes sure" when we really mean, "not right now."

A press release from the University of Michigan stated that having a husband creates an extra seven hours a week of housework for women. No my wife did not read that study! I like being married. Sad part is the clutter belongs to the kids whose Saturdays are filled with fun things to do, so they can't help. You can tell as they wavy good-bye,smiling,laughing and clapping from their grandparent's car, they aren't going to have much fun. They really wanted to stay home and help clean.

You are left with that sweet, quiet lady you married. She's the one who leaves those honey-do lists with hearts and xoxo's. She's also the one who turns into a take no prisoners, drill sergeant. So organized with three bins - keep, go and may be/I am not sure. This binge cleaning time in a man's life can take up 1-2 Saturdays. Saturdays you could be out playing golf or at least basketball with the guys. Spring arrived with sunny and warm days. Don't get me wrong, we are not usually binge cleaners, being more of the tidy up daily routine. Twice a year we do the transition.

The weekend arrived for the biannual community garage sale. Friday night I wasn't up until two in the morning marking prices on all the 'good stuff' you're hoping people will buy. Everything was going for $1.00, one dollar. You got great stuff, like the football lamp for your son's theme bedroom. Only now he's into soccer and karate. Then there's the Cinderella theme bedroom that your 10 year old daughter thinks she's out grown. The money goes toward community activities such the Easter egg hunt. It's usually Saturday and Sunday, but we only do Saturday, thank goodness. People come from all over to bargain and haggle over things priced for a $1.00. It must be the thrill of negotiating. The sale starts at about 9 A.M. People start arriving at 8:00 A.M. blocking your driveway. They block my exit. I get set up at 9:30 A.M. At 10 A.M. I start disappearing. I am not a haggler. My wife is great at making deals. She should be in the boardroom. She gets people to buy stuff, they weren't thinking of buying. So yes I left, ran out, deserted and was missing in action. She didn't need me.

I was so much more productive once I left. I got so much done. I found some Content Producers on Twitter. I got a bit more familiar with Facebook. Found Twin Peaks on cable. I never really understood that show, even watching the reruns. Actually, watching the reruns made me more confused. I finished the leftovers, so my wife didn't have to worry about them. I went out so my wife could have bathroom breaks, and get something to eat. I even wrote this story. I packed up the stuff that didn't sell. I made sure my bike with the flat was still in the garage. Didn't want that to be sold by mistake nor the paper shredder that's clogged. Just have to clean the cutters.

This year went well. No one asked to put items on hold or lay-away. I told my wife "everything a dollar, pay up now" sign would work. The basic philosophy behind garage sales is that, if you can't possibly give something away, you can probably sell it. Told the neighbors all sales were final, friends or not.

Yard sales are fascinating. People spend $20-30 on gas,driving air-conditioned SUV's, pick-up trucks and vans, to stand in the hot Florida sun and argue about getting a $1.00 lamp for $0.50.