I Deserve a Government Bailout

Did you make the mistake of getting an adjustable rate mortgage? Under certain conditions, you may be eligible to get your payments reduced with the help of the federal government.

I happen to have a fixed rate mortgage, and I'm a heartless conservative, so I don't really care if you're a victim of the evil financial institutions' predatory lending practices...BUT, since the government is so compassionate and good-willed, helping folks who risked their nest-egg to flip houses and got caught in a financial crisis when the housing industry tanked, I figured the feds should be willing to help me out of my personal wallet-thinning syndrome.

Back in 2004, when fuel prices were more reasonable and I was under the impression that we were actually in Iraq for the oil and the whole liberation and promotion of democracy thing was just a cover story, I bought a Dodge Magnum with a roaring 348 cubic-inch Hemi V8. With all of the surplus petroleum I assumed we were going to get from "Operation Iraqi Liberation" (OIL), It never crossed my mind at the time that in a few years I would be paying $60.00 every week to fill the thing's gas tank. The salesman did not disclose to me that gas prices were going to continue to climb. Obviously, he should have foreseen that and it's the fault of Chrysler Corporation and the United States government that I am where I am.

I called the Federal Trade Commission and told them I needed to initiate forbearance proceedings. The lady asked me if I lived in my home. I said yes, of course, and then she started asking me a lot of other questions about my home loan and my income. I finally told her I was wanting the federal government to either let me stop paying for gas or at least get a fixed rate, say $2.00 per gallon from now on instead of the "adjustable rate" that just continues to rise. She was very polite, but eventually she told me there were other people who were seriously needing her help and while she was amused, she did not feel it was appropriate to waste time discussing my frivolous request. I told her I was a tax-payer and I paid her salary. She told me, "I'll happily refund you the .0000000000001 per cent of my salary you contributed if you'll just let me hang up and get back to doing my job." Bureaucrat!

With the FTC turning out to be a dead end, I decided to call the Chrysler corporation via the local dealership. They offered to let me trade in my Magnum for a new Dodge product with better fuel economy. I told them that was like asking a homeowner to move to an apartment or cheaper house to get out of an adjustable rate mortgage. "What I want to do," I explained, "is keep my gas-guzzling hot-rod and have you or the government absorb the difference in gasoline costs between the time I bought the car and forever." The dealership informed me that they could not do that. Evil, blood-sucking corporation!

At this point I am completely without hope. I'm bitter over the fact that the government could help me if only I'd gotten an adjustable rate home loan instead of an over-powered luxury station wagon. It just isn't fair.