I Don't Look Forward to Christmas This Year
I have tried to tell myself my feelings are irrational. Everyone passes away but I never dreamed I would face it with my mom in her early 60's. She was, and is my rock. She holds my family together. How can I fall apart at the seams when she was present with me in my battle with all three cancers? The answer is a question I cannot answer. Knowing this Christmas may be her last, I just wish I could do something for her. Is this how she how felt with me when the cancer came back? How will I handle when my children inevitably have health problems related to their Cowden Syndrome?
I guess all questions must wait for answers. This Christmas-it is not like any other. My mom is so sad, and rightfully so. Her youngest grandchild is five and she fears she will not remember her. The next in line grandson is six and though he forms some memories they are typically traumatic.
So, I do not look forward to Christmas 2011, 2011, or even if she is taken in 2010. My only comfort is knowing she will celebrate a Christmas like none I have experienced when it is time for her to go. I dread the holidays without her-my mom, my best friend.
Sometimes I think there is something innate between most mothers and their children. There is a sense of safety with my mom present although she fades with each passing day. I am selfish. I do not want to give her up. My comfort is in seeing her again soon. Maybe she can introduce me to both my grandfathers who passed while she was pregnant with me. Mom says my personality is similar to my grandfather's so one day we'll see.
I will get through this. If you are facing a similar situation this year or have in the past, you will as well. It may not seem possible but it is. Happy Holidays. Cherish those you have because things change in one year,
Published by Andrea Rowe
Born in NE Arkansas six miles from where my dad s family lived as long ago as 1820. College grad in psychology field. My children and I have a very rare genetic disease that seriously impacts our lives. I... View profile
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