I Fought a Bear and Kind of Won

It was a refreshing May night. I was sitting outside on my porch drinking Energy Gin, which is essentially gin (brand of your choosing) mixed with an energy drink of some kind (my preference is Sobe NO FEAR...sponsor me Goddamnit). My bastard dog was being difficult as I tried to get him to sit on a chair like a human for a half hour. Anyway I was sitting there, drinking my Energy Gin peacefully, excited for my friends to come over to go play some drunken basketball down at the park. The fresh air was pleasant and I was at peace with myself, the world, and everything around me.

As I was sitting there minding my own business, I heard this loud noise to my left. My attention quickly shifted from hoop dreams to this fairly large, black creature moving towards my location. It was a damn bear, and it appeared hungry or severely drugged up. Its manner was all wrong; nothing like I've ever seen on television. The worst part was that this was a dream of mine. I had longed to see a bear in person. During a camping trip in Yosemite National Park I tried not once, but two times to witness a bear close up. Once by running towards a trail a father and his two sons were fleeing from, screaming, "Bears! Bears!" Another time by surrounding our camp site with left over burger patties and beef broth. Both attempts were absolute failures, no bears came around, and if they did they were sneaky as all hell.

I stared at the beast with disbelief before I realized I wasn't hallucinating. At the time I hadn't slept in 23 hours, and had been lacking quality sleep for most of the week. Sleep deprivation is serious stuff, and as I tried to make sense of the situation, my fight-or-flight instinct kicked in. It was a little bit of both as I grabbed my drink and a rake, beginning to move towards my door. Slipping inside I finished off my Energy Gin and threw the glass down as I slammed the door closed and locked it. The bear bashed threw the glass door and started to work on the main one, which was locked with a dead bolt. I remember kicking threw a dead bolt door in a fit of rage with relative ease two years back. I figured a bear would be able to get through much quicker so I began screaming out the window adjacent to the door.

Fortunately, it worked and the bear stopped banging on the door and focused on the window. It was too small for the bear to fit through, which helped calm my nerves. I was holding the rake ready for the beast to knock the screen out. However, as the bear peered in through the screen I saw an opportunity to try and frighten the bear away. Quickly, I jammed the rake through the screen causing the bear to jump back as the screen smacked into its snout. Thinking the bear would retreat, I pulled the rake back and stood motionless watching the bear recover. Instead of running into the woods the bear seemed enraged and stuck its head in the window, screaming crazily.

I had no choice but to try and fight the bear off. Manically, I jammed the rake into the bears face, hitting it in the eyes and snout numerous times. The bear didn't seem phased so I grabbed the window frame and started slamming it onto the bear's head until the glass broke. This goddamn bear was determined, and I soon began throwing random objects at it until it pulled its head from the window. Everything appeared to be fine and dandy, until the front door swung open and there stood an angry, pissed off bear with a score to settle. Without hesitation I sprinted into my mom's room where the dog was hiding. I closed the door, grabbed the dog, and unlatched the window, kicking the screen out and jumping into my front yard before the bear made its way through the lesser-quality door.

I could hear the bear rampaging through my house, growling wildly as it desecrated every bit of furniture and appliance in its reach. My cell phone was on the porch, leaving me no other choice but to try and obtain it. Luckily, the bear was busy rummaging through my kitchen when I made my way back to the porch. Once my phone was regained I was able to call animal control, who arrived forty minutes later with a tranquilizer gun in hand. Unfortunately, by then, the bear had left my house, backed me into my car, and then sped off into the woods. So much for seeing a bear in person.

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