I Should Be Happy but I Am Not

This story was published in storytime tapestry and gather.com

I should be happy, it is Christmas, I tell myself every year but the truth of the matter is since my grandmother's passing in 1981, I have lost the true spirit of Christmas. This is not something I am boasting about. I should be happy but I am not.

This article really was not one I intended to write but I have to get it off my chest. When I write it is cathartic for me, it heals my tormented soul.

Ten years ago I completed my master's degree in counseling psychology and I was so full of hope. I thought success would follow but it didn't. I was a single mother who was one step away from welfare and I couldn't wait around for my dream job to come. I had rent to pay and the landlord was not interested in dreams, he was interested in money.

I took telemarketing and then customer service jobs just to pay the bills. I wasn't happy but at least I had a roof over my head and the bills were paid. I said that I would only do it for awhile and I would gradually find a job in my field before it was too late. Somehow I lost focus on my dream and I lost track of time and then it was too late.

I stayed in customer service way too long and the irony of it all was that I began to hate it. The money was not as important as my mental health. To make matters worse, I got physically ill as well. I became diabetic, arthritic to the point that I could hardly walk and I contracted several other physical conditions which happened to be stressed related.

The only thing that kept me going for awhile was the fact that I published my first book, Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey in 1984. I worked as a customer service rep during the day and wrote at night. I began to identify myself as a writer while distancing myself from my actual day work. I lost my dream to work as a counselor figuring I had stayed out of the field way too long.

After three leave of absences from work, I had no choice but to quit the customer service job. My health deteriorated to the point that I could not physically do it anymore. I have not worked since February 2005.

While I was on sick leave I did write another manuscript Angels Watching Over Me. I also publish a very successful Ezine, Storytime Tapestry, and I am a columnist for several magazines. My work has been published all over the Internet, in magazines and anthologies.

I do love writing and I would hope that one day it will bring in enough income so that I would never have to find a day job again. I am a freelance writer; this is who I am. This is my dream now.

In March I went to school to brush up on my French so that I could re-enter the work force and then I took a job search workshop. When it was time to decide which field I wanted, I was torn between my former dream and my new one. I wanted both. I wanted to counsel and I wanted to write.

It is now Christmas and I still do not have a day job. I have no money and I will probably be forced to go back to customer service. The thought of that makes me ill just thinking about it, but I have to make a living. My Christmas is far from a happy one.

Today I stared success in the face and I realized what a failure I am. I met a former classmate. We interned together in the same hospital. In the last ten years he worked for a few places as a counselor went back to school for more training and now has opened his own private practice.

I don't know if he could see how sad I was. I wanted to cry. He asked me what I did for a living, and I know he expected me to say that I worked somewhere as a counselor, I made up a lie about working in a hospital and then told him I was off on sick leave. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I didn't want to be reminded of what could have been for me.

I left him and posted two affidavits for Fate Magazine. They bought two of my stories. Dovetail Magazine also bought one of my stories this week. I should be happy but I am not.

Sources:

Storytime Tapestry

http://subs.zinester.com/98907

Picking up the Pieces: A Woman's Journey
http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/shopdisplayproducts.asp?Search=Yes

Angels Watching Over Me

http://www.lulu.com/content/964306