I Hate Ice Cream!

I know that's probably the first time you've ever heard that come out of someone's mouth, but hear me out here.

Ice cream is a frozen liquid people. Did you get that? FROZEN!!! We're going to come back to that later so just keep it in mind. Ok?

Now, let's set aside for a moment the fact that it nearly takes a jackhammer to chip into this frozen mass just to eat it and concentrate on the fact that every ice cream manufacturer on earth feels the need to pack their product in the most flimsy containers known to man. You'd think with all the advancements in modern technology that someone would build a better container to store this crap in, but no one has yet. So you bend every spoon in the house trying to get a scoop of it out of the container while the container itself falls all to pieces on you from the effort.

Jesus! Are we having fun yet?

Sure you could always heat the spoon or ice cream scoop if you're crazy enough to pay money for one of them. After all it does seem to make the job a little easier. The problem is that standing in front of a kitchen sink holding a utensil under hot running water doesn't quite fit the description of fun for me. I mean, you have to hold it there five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes...FOR-FREAKING-EVER!!! Then when you finally do get the dang thing hot enough to do you any good, you get a scoop of ice cream, which cools the utensil back down, which means you have to reheat it, and then get another scoop of ice cream, and then reheat....people I have other things to do here!!!! The freaking sun's coming up, ok?

So what do you do to solve this problem? Well, you head on out to a local ice cream shop and let them handle all the hard work for you, right? Sure you do! You walk into the store, pick out a flavor or two of your favorite frozen treat, pay the angry looking teenager behind the counter and then head back out proudly holding your frozen delight high for everyone to see, RIGHT INTO HUNDRED DEGREE WEATHER!!! Can I just stop here and remind everyone that you're holding a block of ice in your hand? Ice melts when exposed to heat people. So now you've got this sugar laden block of ice, chock full of artificial coloring no doubt, melting all over everything that you own; your arm, your clothes, your car's interior. Good Lord! Why don't you just spray everything down with shellac? It would probably be easier to clean up!

Of course, there is a way to avoid this, right? Sure there is! You simply eat the ice cream as fast as you can. That way you get to enjoy the fifteen bucks you just blew and avoid a costly cleaning bill at the same time. Sounds good until you take Brain Freeze into account. So let me get this straight. You suck in a mouthful of ice cream, swallow it down and then sit in intense pain for five minutes, holding your head and praying to God it stops hurting soon or kills you, one or the other, and then do it all over again. Yeah that's what I want to spend all my hard earned money doing on a hot afternoon; torturing myself via mind numbing pain just behind my left eyeball. I'm sorry, but wasn't eating ice cream supposed to be a happy thing? When the heck did pain become a part of the equation?

Last but not least, the very act of eating ice cream seems to turn civilized human beings into mannerless idiots. They slurp and sip and belch and stick out their tongues and do all sorts of obnoxious things with their mouths. It's amazing to me that some of the things that they do are even allowed in public!!!

So to sum up; slurp, slurp, slurp, sit in pain whining, then stick out your tongue for everybody to see (didn't our mothers tell us not to dothis?), then sit in pain whining, then try to save all of your clothing and vehicle interior from damage. Why do people do this?

By the way, no I'm not a bitter man.