I Hate Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day. I have hated it for most of my life. I hate everything about Valentine's Day, the freezing cold time of year, the chocolate candy that I'm allergic to, the parties, the stupid romantic movies, and the sappy songs. I can even tell you when I began to hate it: February 14, 1979.

Everyone had piles and piles of Valentines, except for me. I only had one, and it was from that icky Jimmy Barrett, who was always pulling my hair and making faces at me. He told me his mom made him give it to me, and then put cupcake frosting in my hair. That one Valentine's party was enough to put me off Valentine's Day forever. I was six years old.

As I grow older, I meet more and more singles who feel the way I do about Valentine's day. Many singles simply try to ignore the holiday. Others pretend they don't care while hiding their secret jealousy when co-workers proudly display the flowers and gifts they received from their loved one. And then there are the hopeless romantics who spend the day in a blue funk, pigging out on candy they bought for themselves, who end up falling asleep alone (as usual) in front of the TV watching another awful, sappy romantic movie with a impossibly happy ending, and crying into a quart of Ben and Jerry's.

Fortunately for us, there are alternatives to being home alone, dateless, and blue on Valentine's Day.

Here are a couple of possibilities to help you cope with this most heinous of holidays:

1. Make a list of the positive aspects of being single. For example, you can buy a huge box of Valentine candy and not have to give it away or share it with anyone.

2. Throw a singles-only Anti-Valentine's Day party. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Even a simple pizza and board games night will entertain your friends and give them an excuse to beg off from Valentine parties held by well-meaning married friends and/or family, which almost invariably turn into excruciatingly bad blind dates. However, if you do want to get fancy, an Anti-Valentine's Day party is a great chance to be creative in your planning. Put up black streamers. Make black hearts out of construction paper. Have your guests tell stories to compete for prizes such as worst breakup, worst dressed date, and worst blind date. Offer prizes such as wilted or dried roses, slightly squashed and opened boxes of Valentine candy, and really cheap but flashy costume jewelry. Have fun, but remember to keep it positive.

Now, if your single friends are refusing to do anything for Valentine's Day but sit home having private pity-parties, threaten to tie them up with pink streamers and pelt them with red and white heart-shaped paper doilies until they agree to go along with your plans. Use caution with this tactic, however. Men who have a heart condition should never be threated with pink streamers. It's just wrong.