I Hate Vegetables:

When I was kid, I once sat at the dinner table for three hours, eyeball to eyeball with some eggplant. I tried to feed it to the dog, but he wasn't having any of it, and after giving it a half-hearted sniff, walked away in disgust. Best friend, indeed.

Having reached a mature age, I decided to try and incorporate the dreaded plant kingdom into my diet. Normally, I would leave such a resolution until New Year's Day, but the onset of the Halloween season seemed to be the appropriate venue, since it celebrates all things scary. Fortunately, there are a lot more ways to sneak healthy items into the diet these days.

To start with, I had discovered the V8 line of fruit and vegetable juices called V-Fusion. The Peach Mango is tops on my list, as I can't even taste the sweet potatoes, yellow tomatoes and carrots which are purportedly included. The Acai is second on the list, and includes sweet potatoes (the most popular guy at the party, apparently) and purple carrots. I tried several of the green drinks put out by companies like Superfood, but somehow they all have that pond scum consistency coupled with a taste reminiscent of the smell of lawn clippings. Ultimately, the greens may prove to be my nemesis.

I had some success in hiding carrot shavings in spaghetti sauce, as well as in meatloaf. Also in the carrot cake, although the health benefits were probably offset by the can of Betty Crocker cream cheese frosting on top. Same problem with the pumpkin pie; it's a vegetable, but if it's served without the whipped cream, well, it's like a supermodel in a trench coat; what's the point?

Sweet potatoes, green beans, and celery all have another thing in common; they have stringy stuff. Sorry, but there's no way I can get around something that feels like a hairball after it's chewed. I must write the V8 people and find out how they dissolve those sweet potatoes.

So we come to the greens. Oddly enough, I'm one of the few people on the planet who likes peas. But one cannot live on peas alone (although the British must have tried at some point, having come up with pease porridge), and so I set my sights on spinach, probably because of early indoctrination by Popeye the Sailor Man (toot toot). I tried it cooked, with lots of butter, but I just couldn't get past that smell and texture. I tried the baby leaves, raw, rolled up in a little ball and chewed rapidly while holding my breath. That was OK, but it had to be followed quickly by something tasty, preferably bacon. The cruciferous vegetables have been ruled out because of their propensity for causing gas; although they don't affect everyone that way, I choose not to give them a trial run. Why force something down, only to have it backfire on me?

After two weeks, the net results of my experiment in adding vegetables to my diet: weight gain, two pounds; blood pressure, elevated; sleep cycle, disrupted by images of menacing vegetables chasing me down the street.

I try and follow all the rest of my doctor's health directives; I eat lots of fiber, drink lots of water, exercise regularly, and get plenty of rest. I take vitamins, wash my hands, and handle raw meat carefully. I eat fish twice a week, limit my sugar and salt, and rarely drink alcohol or soda. I even floss my teeth! Surely, I can get away with giving vegetables the heave ho.

Or at least drinking them. Wow! I could have had a ...

Oh, yeah. That would be copyright infringement.