"I Honor You Brother David"

First let me say that these interviews with my brother David occurred out of the pain of knowing he was dying. It was our way of healing a traumatic childhood and letting each other know how precious we were in each other's lives so that we had the strength to say good-bye. David was the second eldest son and I was the "baby girl" so our first talk of our family was deep pain for so many reasons and yet it was like saying hello after all the years of holding our thoughts and feelings inside because our emotions were so strong. Our first dual interview took place at his little bungalow home that he had worked so hard on and loved so much. He asked if I would come over and read his prescription bottles to him because his eyesight was failing and he was not sure if he was taking the right meds.

I went right away to his home of which I had been a stranger all these years. It was a bittersweet time for both of us because so much tragedy had happened in our lives and yet he was asking me to help him read and learn about his meds. That was one of the most special moments in my life because he opened the door for me that had been closed for 50 years. I was born with very low vision and only see print that is 18 font and larger, I have no depth perception and I am dyslexic. I finally for the first time in my life got to help my older brother; it was overwhelming to say the least. He and I both knew that his request for help was a chance for us to talk privately as brother and sister and try to make sense of what on earth had happened to our family since Mama died in 1956 so unexpectedly and sudden. It was tense at first as we discussed his illness and the fact that he felt he was dying. But the underlying pain was all the happy and sad memories that we both had avoided discussing all these broken years. Tragedy has a way of pushing away memories until we neither one knew what had really occurred and just needed each other the same way we did as children; but now were we in our sixties. Each question of meds and how he felt was directly tied to "I remember.." or "What happened to so and so..." He and I knew with his passing that I was the only surviving of our immediate birth family and that my husband, children, and grandchildren had a huge task helping me deal with all my memories that I had "sucked up" in my mind, soul and heart since my birth.

Brother and Sister Interview:
David: "Where the crap have you been all these years?
Me: "I have been raising my family and trying not to remember anything of our birth family."
David: "Yeah, me too; I still lay in the bed sometimes and scream and shake."
Me:" I do not even have enough guts to do that. I just push it all out of my mind so I do not feel anything."
David."That's okay honey;it will be okay, we are together now; you always knew we still loved each other as brother and sister; it will be okay, now"

I changed the subject immediately because I felt this horrid burning pain in my guts that was spreading upward. I knew if it reached my throat I would start sobbing and now was not the time to grief for anything but what David was going through.

Me: Okay, I love you. Now, lets take a look at your meds. Where are they?
David: I don't know. I have so many doctors and so many meds, I get so confused and pissed off about the frustration of all this mess."
me: It's okay I am here now and I will help you. I can not see the words on the labels of the medicines but I found 4 doctors numbers, 3 hospital numbers, and 2 home nurses numbers. I am going to call them now. Want something home cooked to eat?
David: "Yeah, that would be nice, I remember Chicken and Dumpling's, don't you?
me: "Yes, indeed I do; I have Granny's, Aunt Mary's and Winfield's recipes memorized in my head. I watched them cook; I think I know exactly what you want?
Broasted chicken with German flat dumplings, red skinned mashed potatoes, string green beans with ham hocks and homemade butter and bread?
David:" Yep, that will do it!"
Me: Let me call these numbers and get all the correct information and you rest and listen to your old time radio shows. My husband will go to the store and get all the fix ins and I will help you get cleaned up a bit and we will be home together for the first time in ages. This is perfect.
David: Oh Yeah, and I want yeah to make the dumplings so they have gravy in them so I can have gravy bread. Thanks baby girl
me: No problem big brother I have waited all my life to be asked by family to do something. Ya know everybody thought because I could not see that I was a helpless person but I am not. Did ya know I have a Master's degree in Biopyschosocial Human Development of the Life Span? I make good money and I help all those people out there to help themselves".
David: I am real proud of ya honey; I knew you would do good in life. "Is it time to eat yet?" I was a diesel mechanic all my life, I am an expert at gardening that I learned from childhood, and I can remodel anything around the house." Did ya know I have Dad's old tool box that he made all by himself and Billy's comic books and collectibles stuff. Whoa, we do have a lot to catch up on, yup! And there ain't no better time to talk than when we are eating dumplings.
Me: You got that right big brother. I am so thankful you called me. I just did not have the heart to call. I am sorry.
David: Hey, yesterday don't matter none; we have to make today count for as long as we are able. Now don't talk about it right now just make the calls and cook.
Me: Yes Davey I will get to it right away.

We both laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes. It was just like back in 1956 before Mama died when he and I stuck together like glue; even though he was older than me; we had great times together back then and today was gonna be the day we started being big brother and big sister and make up for over 50 years of forgetting how to laugh and pick on each other. I made numerous phone calls and got his meds straightened out; my husband went to the store. David listened to his old time Jack Benny and favorite old radio shows and slept off and on. I straightened up his loving little home and cooked my rear end off. My God the smell of family cooking was great and seeing my brother relax enough to sleep in spite of his horrible pain we such a blessing that healed me down deep.

David: Annamaria, have your husband do the clean up with the dishes and leave the left overs for me to keep. Now help me up and we will go to the garden. I am a helluva gardener.
Me: You got it Davey Lee.
David: Now here in this patch I got huge beefsteak tomatoes, over there I got me, I mean us, some peppers, onions, and cucumber's. Remember how we took them right from the garden as kids. Why we wiped them off on our clothes and sprinkle some salt on them. that was a bite of heaven, huh.
Me. Yes, indeed. I remember all the veggie gardens and the tobacco plants, and the peach trees that you and I fought over as kids, each claiming we planted them by ourselves. We were laughing again and this time gave each other a hug.
David: Oh, ya think ya are a gardener hey? Well, come around back and look at my peonies, and gardenias, and back by the shed the prize winning roses! Can ya beat that baby girl?
Me: No, I cant but in my yards I have magnificent morning glories, perfect potatoes, prize winning green beans, and peach and apple trees that I planted all by myself.
David: You still have that little sheepish grin and voice and are a smart Alec at the same time. We are like twins, huh?
Me: Oh yes, we were like two peas in a pod as kids. I remember how mad you got at me for hanging round ya all the time. you were so grown ya thought It hurt my feelings that you chose your friends over me. But as I got older I figured it out.
David: You were a silly nut as a child; you fell down all the time and bugged me every minute and got on my last nerve. But if you really needed me I always came and helped ya. I did not know you were blind until you told me a little while ago. I knew Dad was deaf though.
Me: I never felt blind; I always knew that I sensed the size and shape of things without knowing they were there. Do you remember after my eye surgeries when I stood at our old windburning' stove and ripped my eye patches off from surgery and stomped the heck out of the stupid coke bottle lens glasses the doctor gave me to wear?
David: Oh yes, and you got switched after Mama finally caught you. Served you right.
Me: Yeah, and I remember being upstairs hearing you tell Mama that I was hiding in the closet and then you ran out the back screen door.
David: Oh Yeah I remember that day. You threw a brick from the roof and hit me right in the back of my skull, nearly killed me.
Me: Yes, it was me that threw the brick and hit ya, sorry about that. Mama and Daddy fixed ya right up though
David: And then you took all of me and Billy's toy soldiers and prize winning marbles and threw them down the steps out into the gutter. you were a brat that never stopped getting into trouble. Yeah, you are not ugly and scrawny anymore, what happened to you?
Me: I was adopted by folks and grew up. I look just like our Mother.
David: I have never seen a picture of her; do you have any?
Me: Yes, I will go home and get them and bring them over tomorrow. I also have pictures Daddy gave me of our family together before Mama died; do you want to see them?
David: Of course I do I want to show you how ugly you were! He and I laughed together till our stomach ached.
Me: Okay David Lee; your two nurses are going to be here tomorrow morning to help you get cleaned up and help you with meds. And I spoke to both of your surgeons and your family doctor and they will see you at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. It's wonderful being back together, isn't it
David: Yes Madam, it surely is the best thing in our lives since dumplings. Is the aides gonna come take care of me until I go in the hospital.
Me. Yes, we will wait till they get here this evening and if you feel comfortable with them, we will go home and then see ya at the hospital. They are aides and nurses from Hospice and they are very experienced and you will be well taken care of from now on. Be sure and tell them exactly what you want help with and how you want to be comfortable. I will call you a couple times tonight to check on you. But if you want to call me have them call me and hand you the phone.
David: Did ya leave me some chicken and dumplings and gravy bread? thanks for being here. I love you.
Me: Oh yeah, you have all the left overs. and your nursing aides and nurses will get ya whatever ya want to eat or drink
David: I want some Dr. Pepper.
Me: You got it. It's in the frig. I will go now and get you some with a straw and put the thickening agent in it so you can swallow it easier.
David: OK, honey

When I returned to David's bedside he was sleeping comfortably so I left his Dr. Pepper by his bedside and spent some time with his Hospice care staff and went home to grief. Hospice staff were like angels to us helping with everything and making it possible for my brother and I to just be brother and sister for the last few months before his peaceful passing as I held him for the last time. During his last few months of life he and I played marbles, he read to me, I made phone calls and brought him his favorite food. We resolved all the pain of our childhood and grieved together for our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and our brother Billy who drowned in 1966.

I salute you brother David Lee and I will forever be blessed that you made that first phone call that I did not have the courage to make. I am proud to be your sister.